Cursed Springtime

I hate the spring. Spring is supposed to be a time for new beginnings, but instead for me, it is filled it sorrowful losses. Today we received the news I was dreading to hear. My dad does not have much longer on this earth. As a child, we know these things will come. However it’s hard to think it’s coming so soon.

This isn’t the first time I received bad news in the spring time. All 3 of my deceased grandparents died in the spring. A neighbor who was like a grandfather to me passed away in the spring too. My Facebook “memories” this time of year are filled with obituaries and memories. Every year I brace myself for another loss.

The losses align well with my life as the hardest times for my mental illness also align with the spring time. My longest stay in the hospital, my terrible struggle with mania, and even now with this quarantine. Springtime seems to bring nothing but pain.

I feel selfish for feeling the way I do. I almost can’t handle the amount of pain that it inevitably coming. As awful as it sounds, I feel envious because I wish it was my life that we were counting down the days too.

I hate this cursed springtime that continues to bring death and pain. I hate that I’m so helpless. My dad is the most amazing man and he does not deserve this. None of us do…

Doubts and Shame

Do I believe?

Most of my adult life I have struggled with faith in a higher power.  My struggle stems from a lot of very bad “Christians” representing a God I cannot see.  I am supposed to be able to see God through their works, but I don’t.  I see good people and I see bad people and prescribing to a certain religious belief  seems not to correlate to what type of person you are.

I very much want to believe.  It is something I am constantly yearning for.  I want to believe in Jesus and I want to believe in the Bible.  I want to be a part of something bigger than myself.  In fact, I constantly am reading books and articles that set out to PROVE Jesus of the bible.  Books like Lee Strobles, The Case for Christ and I Don’t Have Enough Faith to Be an Atheist by Frank Turek and Norman Geisler have done a great job of convincing me the Bible and how it presents itself is an incredibly accurate historical book. 

At this point, I have found the thing that is truly the source of my doubts is Christians.  I can’t understand the things I see and hear and how are they supposed to represent this wonderful God that the bible portrays.  I suppose I do have a faith, though it be small.  At this point I know the God of the Bible is real and good and I believe he did amazing things.  I just have a hard time transferring this belief into a faith that I can be proud of.

I know Christians are told they will be persecuted for believing in Christ. My shame, however, stems not from knowing Christ, but instead from being associated with hateful Christians.  I can claim, “Hey, I’m different,” but so is everyone else.

So to answer my own question I guess, yes I believe. I am far from being free from doubts though.  I doubt why someone who loves Jesus would be so hateful.  I question why people who love Jesus would be so judgmental.   I question if it’s possible for anyone to actually believe they can worship on Sunday and then post hate speech on Facebook on Monday.

I mean I’m not perfect, but shouldn’t we at least try harder? Be better? Maybe my faith is really imperfect and it’s full of doubts, but I mean, at least I’m not hateful.  At least I’m trying to be a good person.

I keep hearing the beauty of Christ is you don’t have to do anything because he did it all, but maybe that’s not as good as it seems because people don’t try.  They don’t do anything to set themselves apart.  They walk around high and mighty claiming “CHRIST SAVES” but then they say, well except you.. and you.. oh and not you.  The sad part is people believe being hateful is being Christian.  That, is the saddest part.

I’m ashamed, not of Christ, but of Christians.

I wish

I wish I didn’t have this illness.

I wish I could live a normal life

I wish I didn’t have to ask the hard questions

I wish I didn’t disappoint people

I wish I didn’t think about death everyday

I wish I didn’t have to take pills just to stay alive

I wish I was able to be carefree

I wish I didn’t have to be hospitalized anymore

I wish I could live without fear

I wish I could live without doubt

I wish I didn’t have to explain myself

I wish I could be free

I wish I didn’t wish death would come quickly

I wish I was as happy as I pretend to be

I wish I was better

I wish I could get better

I wish I didn’t have this illness

I wish this illness didn’t have me.

Life Is

It’s funny how we come exactly how we go

Naked and terrified

The circle of life

It seems so arbitrary.

Life feels meaningless

When you have family that loves you

but you don’t love yourself

You remember life is just a vapor in the wind..

and no one will remember whether you come or you go

One hundred years from now.

no one will know your name

The circle of life.

It’s so arbitrary

They say give your life meaning

How can one do

as life means nothing to the stranger who’s wealthier than you

And no one knows your face a a million miles away

When your employer thinks your just a number not a name

When the judge says your guilty and you have never done a thing

It’s meaningless

You ask me to live, and I’m living only for you

never for myself

it’s impossible to do.

to be happy, to be content

without power or fame

Even they can’t be happy

Robin Williams and Cobain

The circle of life

It’s arbitrary you see!

Even religious men don’t seem happy to me

Faith in a God that brings peace and light

But I would rather just be in heaven

A perfect place

I dream of the day

Until then we will all wake up

putting a mask on our face

We will find meaning in the arbitrary

We will stay alive because we have to

because we have to

because we have to

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Where is Happiness?

It seems I have lost it again

I’ve lost it so many times before

Maybe I’m just not meant to have it

It is easily given but easily forgotten

I found it as an Easter egg hidden under a bush

I saw it light up the sky after a ball game

It has licked my face and wagged its tail

I have felt it’s soft kiss and warm embrace

How could I lose it?

Where can I find it?

Instead, I always know where to find pain

It’s hidden in corners, cupboards, and boxes.

It puts on a mask and pretends to be your friend

I’ve heard it yell insults and threats and curses

I’ve held it’s hand on a date to the movies

I was raped by it in a cheap motel room

I drank it down to forget

Oh I know where to find darkness

Darkness is easy to find.

It sits in my brain waiting for its day

It makes my heart bleed out on to my arms

It speaks to me telling me I shouldn’t be

I have found darkness.

But, where is happiness?

Building My Staircase

I haven’t written in a long time. Writing has always been my escape. It gives me an outlet to process hard emotions. Lately, I haven’t had a need or reason to write. Life has been good. I am thankful for the amount of healing that has taken place. I’m living my best life with a great husband. I have my dream job. Life has been good.

With that said, I want to share an experience I had. I went to therapy last week and I completely froze. I was overcome with a heated fear. You may know that I love to talk, so when words were hard to find I knew it was serious. I sat there in silence as my therapist of many years pushed me to talk. I only said the things above. I told her life was good. I said how good I was doing. She then asked me if life was so good, then what was I hiding from her. I thought for a minute before bursting into tears and saying, “I don’t know.”

In this moment, pain surface. A really dark and deep pain that I felt crawling up my spine and infesting the corners of my mind. I was petrified and I couldn’t figure out why. My therapist got me a weighted blanket and helped me come back to reality. Whatever that was, scared me. She ended our time telling me I must be very afraid of whatever I’m hiding. She was right.

I left her office in a haze. I couldn’t figure out what just happened. Life is going well! What is this fear and where is it coming from? I have never been one to suppress my feelings, I’m often an open book. Whatever it was, I knew it was bad. I couldn’t let it destroy my life.

I haven’t told anyone about what happened last week– not even my husband. I pushed it back and called it a fluke. I pretended it wasn’t anything to be concerned about and went on with my life. I almost forgot about it until the other night. I felt the same fear and pain enter my body again. I recognized it as the same fear I felt at my psychologists office. This time, I also recognized the source.

That wasn’t the first time I had felt that fear and hurt. I have, in fact, felt it many times before. I usually would feel it and then push it down and move on. I suddenly realized why I felt so afraid with therapist. I am doing so well but I have been ignoring something for a long time. I have been ignoring something that needs to be addressed. Despite my best efforts to ignore the pain and fear, it will continue to surface until I work through it.

I suppose it’s time I actually mention what it is. That’s the fear trying to win. That is why I am writing again. I can’t let the pain win. The pain that is buried so deep inside is my past trauma, specifically sexual trauma and abuse.

If you know me or have followed my blog, you know my history with this subject. I’m not shy about it. I am however shy about how much the trauma has effected me. I have never been diagnosed with PTSD but I believe what I am experiencing is similar. The hurt and the fear I felt still haunts me. Not only does it haunt me, but it brings me so much fear and anxiety I shut down thinking about it.

So now I begin a new journey. I begin a journey of healing from abuse and trauma. I think I was afraid that letting this come to light would discredit all the progress I’ve made. That is a falsity. In fact, if it weren’t for my progress, I could never properly address this pain. I think of it like building a staircase. You can’t start at the top without having a good base. You build slowly up, one step and a time. This is my next step.

Please reach out with any resources that might help me in my journey. I know I’m not alone in this.

Tomorrow Will Be Better…

Last year was by far the hardest year of my life. That says a lot, as anyone who knows me knows I have been through hell and back. My years in hospitals and through abuse felt minimal in comparison to the hurt and betrayal I felt last year when I lost almost everything to ignorant people and discriminatory actions. I got through it though. I got through it because I knew eventually things would get better.

I often feel like life treats certain people unfairly. Like pouring salt in a wound some people just seem to get life’s pains handed to them on a rusted platter. I’m sure I’m not alone in my beliefs. We sometimes get kicked when we’re down and that’s life. Life is also continuing to try to get back up no matter how hard or pointless it may seem.

My New Years resolution this year was to have a better year than the last. It was an easy target considering what happened, but it’s true that you never know what life will hand you. Everyday I go to bed and tell myself, “Tomorrow will be better.” I repeat that to myself no matter how great of a day I have had. I tell myself this even if I don’t believe it. I engrave it in my mind so monotonously that it acts as an echo in the times I need to hear it most. Tomorrow will be better. If it’s not? Well then the next day will be better.. or the next day, or the next day, or the next.

You see, this optimism is what keeps me alive. It keeps me striving to do what I want, what I love! It makes me better myself because I want that statement to come true, like a prophecy waiting to be fulfilled. If today is not great, what can I do to make tomorrow better?

So far, things have been better! Life is starting to turn around and I see the light at the end of the tunnel. Perhaps, it won’t stay this way. The important thing is I am making moves every day to improve my life. I went back to school, I built my self confidence, I stood up for myself, and so much more.

This technique won’t work for everyone. However, I challenge anyone who reads this to just do one thing every day that can help improve their life. It could be as little as putting loose coins in a jar to cash in later or recycling and composting. Anything to help your state of mind. I know better than some how important it is to take care of yourself, especially when you don’t have the strength to even get out of bed. It is important! I share this because it has helped me so much. I hope it would do the same for others.

So tomorrow will get better! And if it doesn’t? Don’t worry, the next day will be better still. 🙂