Last year was by far the hardest year of my life. That says a lot, as anyone who knows me knows I have been through hell and back. My years in hospitals and through abuse felt minimal in comparison to the hurt and betrayal I felt last year when I lost almost everything to ignorant people and discriminatory actions. I got through it though. I got through it because I knew eventually things would get better.
I often feel like life treats certain people unfairly. Like pouring salt in a wound some people just seem to get life’s pains handed to them on a rusted platter. I’m sure I’m not alone in my beliefs. We sometimes get kicked when we’re down and that’s life. Life is also continuing to try to get back up no matter how hard or pointless it may seem.
My New Years resolution this year was to have a better year than the last. It was an easy target considering what happened, but it’s true that you never know what life will hand you. Everyday I go to bed and tell myself, “Tomorrow will be better.” I repeat that to myself no matter how great of a day I have had. I tell myself this even if I don’t believe it. I engrave it in my mind so monotonously that it acts as an echo in the times I need to hear it most. Tomorrow will be better. If it’s not? Well then the next day will be better.. or the next day, or the next day, or the next.
You see, this optimism is what keeps me alive. It keeps me striving to do what I want, what I love! It makes me better myself because I want that statement to come true, like a prophecy waiting to be fulfilled. If today is not great, what can I do to make tomorrow better?
So far, things have been better! Life is starting to turn around and I see the light at the end of the tunnel. Perhaps, it won’t stay this way. The important thing is I am making moves every day to improve my life. I went back to school, I built my self confidence, I stood up for myself, and so much more.
This technique won’t work for everyone. However, I challenge anyone who reads this to just do one thing every day that can help improve their life. It could be as little as putting loose coins in a jar to cash in later or recycling and composting. Anything to help your state of mind. I know better than some how important it is to take care of yourself, especially when you don’t have the strength to even get out of bed. It is important! I share this because it has helped me so much. I hope it would do the same for others.
So tomorrow will get better! And if it doesn’t? Don’t worry, the next day will be better still. 🙂
So I am really into shows and movies about doctors, hospitals, and the like. In such shows, there is sometimes a patient that comes in with all these symptoms and the doctors will then try to say “Oh, those are the classic symptoms of insert mental illness here. Let me call in a psychiatrist.” The patient will panic and say the famous words, “No, please! I know I’m not crazy.” The doctor will then perform numerous tests and find some tumor or lesion and it will be removed and the patient will go on their merry way. When the doctors give the patient the news that it’s a tumor or some other tangible ailment, the patient is relieved because it is much easier to accept a tumor than it is to accept a mental illness.
I know I’m not crazy. I’m not. I have a condition in which my brain produces too much or too little of certain chemicals which cause my mind to not function as well as it should. Just like a tumor I have no control over this chemical reaction. I’m not crazy. Why does society treat those of us that suffer as such?
I understand why people would be upset when they hear that they might have a mental illness. I get it. It totally sucks. It sucks because mental illness is hard to diagnose and even harder to treat. It sucks because it takes a lot of hard work and patience to treat an illness. It sucks because you know you’ll be treated differently because of a chemical imbalance in your body. I get it. It sucks. Let me be perfectly clear, however, it does not suck because we are crazy! It doesn’t. We aren’t crazy.
We may feel crazy at times because our brain is trying kill our body. We may feel crazy when the world around us functions with such ease and our world fails to function at all. We may feel crazy when people treat mental illness like a mythical creature. We may feel crazy, but we aren’t.
Do you know how hard it is to get through life knowing you have nothing to live for? No? Well I do. I have gotten through and created a life worth living. My brain constantly try’s to take that away from me and my fist full of pills remind me I am one slip away from losing all hope. However, these things don’t make me crazy. They make me a fighter. I realize that I will be fighting the rest of my life and that is exhausting. I will not, however, let the world tell me my fight isn’t legitimate. It’s the hardest thing I have ever had to do.
I hope one day there will be a Doctor show where the doctors suggest a mental illness and the patient is able to say, “That really sucks, but I’m happy there is treatment. Walk with me while I fight it.”
The strangest phenomenon is when I am doing great and all of a sudden my brain flips a switch. It’s strange being happy and knowing life is good but feeling this overwhelming sense of doom. It’s like being locked inside on a beautiful day. You know it’s a beautiful day but for whatever reason, you can’t go out and experience it.
I describe it as my brain wanting me dead. It sucks. I don’t want to die but my brain tricks me. It’s as if I’m looking through a dark lens. I can’t see life for what it is. Sometimes it comes gradually and sometimes it happens all at once.
I think throughout my healing journey I have found myself consumed by different things. More recently, I have been terrified by the past. Little things keep coming in and reminding me of awful things. Most people who know me have heard me talk about my rock bottom. If not, you are sure to read about it in a past blog post. My rock bottom was a state of mania. I did such awful disgusting things that I can’t even recognize myself. I keep being reminded and reminded again of all this things I did. I keep being reminded of all the pain and hurt I still carry from those days. It’s not just going to go away.
Therapy lately has been hard because life has been hard. This journey is truly and journey because I’m still climbing mountains. The most important thing is that I don’t lose site of myself and my goals. I have built a life worth living. Now, I must continue to live it.
It’s not there, if you can’t see it.
It’s not real, if not everyone can feel it.
You’re making excuses.
No one is going to believe it.
You really should grow up.
Why don’t you just give up.
Stop being so damn lazy.
We are going to have to write you up.
Maybe you should try praying more.
You shouldn’t take all those pills anymore.
You scared your peers with your outburst.
You should just try to be happy more.
You seem fine to me.
You look fine to me.
Suck it up, buttercup.
Your life doesn’t look hard to me.
You’re milking this for all it’s worth.
Maybe if you lose some weight it will help your self worth.
You’re just doing this for attention.
You’ll probably grow out of it, for what it’s worth.
It’s all in your head.
Yeah, you’ve got that right. It IS all in my head.
I realized that for a long time now, I have been holding a lot of anger and a lot of hatred towards certain people who have wronged me. Various people from my distant and not so distant past cause me distress even just at the mention of their name. I cringe and scowl scrolling past them on Facebook. I feel in the depths of my soul a lurking darkness, towards them. I hate them. Hate them.
A few hours ago I wanted to write about all the people that I hold grudges against and how they hurt me. I wanted to air their dirty laundry and expose to the world what they have done to me. How they have ruined me; how they ruined my life. I thought this would help me feel more at peace, if I shared these things. I realize now after some much needed decompression that the real issue here is me. That’s right, me. It’s me holding on to bad things. It’s me letting the people who hurt me have so much control over my life. Harboring this hatred is giving these people power over my life, over my well being. The hard part is I know I can’t let go just like that. I know that letting these hurts go is a process. Yet, it’s a process I need to start sooner rather than later. Because once this process turns to progress I will be even more free. Free from those people, free from hatred, I will be free to start my life again. And that is something worth celebrating. It’s something worth fighting for.
Most life insurances nowadays have a Suicide clause in them. This means if you take your own life via suicide, the contract is void and they don’t have to pay out the claim. I understand why this exists as I can see how some may take advantage of the system. I also see how this might motivate some to take their own life if they are in a tough spot financially. On another hand, I see this clause as another way of ignoring the sickly existence of some very real, very hard, mental illnesses.
Sometimes, I feel like my life is just one big suicide clause. This meaning everything that happens to me is just another reason to ignore the grotesque illness my body is fighting every day. It means that if I die because of my illness someday, the “mentally ill contract” will be void and I will be to blame not the illness.
I shouldn’t feel guilty for being sick. I shouldn’t feel guilty for showing symptoms of my sickness. Hell, I shouldn’t feel guilty for occasionally contemplating suicide. However, because of this suicide clause that is society and their ignorance, I am left feeling devastated.
I am left feeling inadequate. It’s as if I am not really sick unless I am in the hospital. It’s the guilt of having to leave work after an anxiety attack and feeling like a failure because I have seen doing so good for so long. I am tired of having to defend myself when I show symptoms because the world doesn’t have the capability to understand the disability I am suffering.
Sometimes, I feel like a failure.. Sometimes…
This so called suicide clause can’t control me. Why? Because I am strong. I’m stronger than most people realize. I have learned to stand up for myself. I have learned what I need for self care and what is pushing me to my limits. I have will not let anyone bully me or tell me what I’m “supposed” to feel. I may be sick but I’m not dumb. I’m one of the smartest and hardest working women you’ll ever have the pleasure of meeting and I will not let any illness or person stand in my way.
If I’m honest… and I mean extremely honest, I have so much internal conflict dealing with Faith in God. Part of me really wants to believe and hope in something. I want to be able to take my questions, my worries, my skepticism, and just throw it all away and just believe that the God of the Bible is real. It makes sense to believe at many times. Who wouldn’t want free eternal life? On the other hand, I really don’t want to believe.
Here comes that honesty. I have many reasons for not wanting to believe including questions of his goodness, actions from other Christians, and evidence that he even exists. The biggest part of my doubt comes from purely selfish reasons. I have lived life as a Christian and I have lived life as an agnostic and the truth is, I prefer life as an agnostic and here is why. As a Christian, I was always failing and falling short. No matter how free a gift of Salvation was supposed to be, it never felt free. It felt like guilt. It felt like trying to live a more perfect and holier life but failing and failing badly. It’s feeling shame and sadness. Why? Because that’s what God says about me. I hear conflicting things like it only takes the faith of a mustard seed and that once you are a Christian you should not want to sin because of your love for him. God killed people for far less than the sins I have committed. I don’t want to live my life striving to meet and unobtainable goal. It’s like when you get performance evaluations at work and you worked SO hard all year but you still get a “fair” score because “good” and “excellent” scores are never obtained. You work SO hard to keep the commandments yet you STILL break the commandments because your human and it’s impossible to keep the commandments. Then I’m told a perfect savior took everything from me so I don’t have to worry about breaking the commandments.. but wait, yes I do because if I don’t try to not break the commandments I don’t love him and I’m not a real Christian. It doesn’t make and sense and I don’t want any part of a religion that makes me feel so dirty.
Whew.. that was a lot more than what I was planning on saying but it’s just eating me alive. What do I want? What do I need? Can I be a Christian and not live in shame? Can I be an agnostic and not live in fear of hell? The answer unfortunately is no to both of those. I can’t, and I’m stuck in the religious limbo of not knowing what to do or what to believe. I already anticipate people reaching out in response to this saying “you don’t have to feel guilty because Jesus covers your sins”, and that poses so many other unanswered questions.
It’s too much. It’s more than I can bear. Shouldn’t this be easy?