I’m Broken Inside

I was listening to the song I’m not Alright by Sanctus Real. It’s an awesome song that talks about how people are afraid to show their weakness, but once they do, they overcome. It also talks about their weakness saying how broken they are. They best part of the song however is the line that says “Yet all I go through leads me to you.” So he’s saying his brokenness and weakness leads him to The Lord and through him, he is strong.

This song can easily be the anthem to my life right now. Just like the song says, I’m broken inside. Yet all I go through leads me to Christ. He draws near to the broken hearted. He could even be using my struggles to draw me closer to him. I feel as though this battle with depression has brought out a lot of my bad qualities. It has also brought out a need for a Savior. I need a Christ to rescue me, to break my chains, and to set me free. I struggle with this sometimes. It’s not easy following Christ in the midst of suffering. The Lord will bless us, however, if we do.

Right now, as I struggle, I’m at a loss for who I am. My identity has seemed to vanish. Luckily my true identity is in Christ. I just need to remember that.

The real reason I wrote this post however is to talk honestly about one part of my brokenness. I struggle with being lonely. More specifically, I struggle with being single. I hate it. I absolutely hate it. I feel worthless. I feel as though no guy could ever love me. I feel there is something wrong with me and that’s why guys don’t like me. I know these are all lies, but they feel so much like truth to me. It hurts so much not feeling pretty enough or worthy enough to have a guy to love me.

This is a struggle I have struggled with for a long time. It started when I was in middle school maybe. I was called fat and ugly by this boy. He told me no one would ever want to kiss me. I know that sounds silly now, but back then it hit me to the core. It still haunts me to this day.

A friend of mine recently told me, however, that I can’t rely on other people to make me happy. Happiness has to come from within. I agree with that. I also think true joy has to come from God. That brings me back to my original point. Though I feel so broke. In this area of my life, God is using it to draw me near to him. It forces me to rely on him for my source of joy and comfort.

I’ll leave you with these lyrics from the song.

Burn away the pride
Bring me to my weakness
‘Til everything I hide behind is gone
And when I’m open wide with nothing left to cling to
Only you are there to lead me on.

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