When thinking or talking about the mission school, one of two things are said, “Are you nervous/excited?” Or “Are you ready?” The answer to the first question is always yes. Of course I’m a little nervous and I’m not just excited, I’m ecstatic. The second question I have to dig a little deeper for.
First off, am I ready for my life to radically change!? Well ready or not, it’s going to happen. My life will be intentional in every aspect of the word. I will be living life to learn about and serve the God of the universe and his people. I’ll be moving, having an intense schedule, and living in a community of believers. This is all stuff that ready or not, is happening.
The other side of this answer gets a little more personal. Am I ready? Am I ready emotionally to take this next step? Battling this depression has been my main focus for the last year or so. These last couple months have been even more intense. I’m dealing with an emotional battle. It’s hard for me sometimes to even be around people without feeling shameful and unworthy. This next step into my life to start the mission school is going to be very emotionally taxing already. Am I ready to face this with the turmoil I’m already dealing with in my brain?
The answer is Kind of. I honestly don’t think I’ll ever be ready to step out of my comfort zone, but if I don’t, nothing’s ever going to change. I know this mission school won’t be a cure for me, but it will be a chance to stop focusing on myself so much and start focusing on others. Will I still have anxiety attacks, depressive, and shameful thoughts? Sure I will, and I’ll deal with them as they come. But as of right now, the focus is no longer in me, it’s on what I and 11 other young adults will be doing for the kingdom of God.
Am I ready to change lives? You bet I am. Am I ready to live intentionally? You better believe it. Am I ready to face each challenge that comes my way with the strength only The Lord can provide? I absolutely can and will.
So am I ready? I’d say yes. It will be taxing, but The Lord wants me here for a reason and I’m ready to face every challenge that comes my way.
Normally this would be where I end the blog, but I have a little more I’d like to say on a kind of unrelated topic. I’ve been feeling a lot of guilt and shame for some things I have done in the past. I hold on to it even though I should know I’m completely forgiven. I’m not a perfect person. That’s for certain. I am, however, a daughter of the King and he sent his Son to take my guilt and shame away. Before The Father’s eyes, I’m blameless. This is just wonderful news I have to keep reminding myself of daily. His mercies are new every morning.
With that said, although I’m dealing with some stuff right now, I just want the world to know, ready or not here I come. I come with a servant heart and loving Father guiding me every step of the way.