This week was a whirlwind. It went by so quickly, I can hardly believe it’s already Friday! I had to learn some stuff the hard way this week. In that, there was healing and freedom.
My depression gets the best of me sometimes. I takes me and throws me around. It toys with my emotions. I hate it. I absolutely hate it. Yet, I’ve been holding onto it. I’ve been clinging to it as if it was my identity. It’s like I’m holding onto a boa-constrictor that has itself wrapped around my neck, yet I don’t want to take it off. It’s killing me slowly, but I am still clinging to it. That’s the hard part to explain. I can easily explain why depression is so miserable, but I have a hard time describing why it’s also so hard to let go. I think it’s because it’s all I have known for so long. I don’t know what it looks like to have freedom from it and I’m scared to see what it looks like. I also know it takes a lot of hard work and dedication to get better.
My therapist addressed this fear this week with some challenging statements. Statements that hurt me to the soul of my being. Yet they also convicted me. They challenged me to literally fight for my life. Like I have said before, I want to live. Even if that means a heck of a lot of change and a lot of hard work. I found so much freedom in deciding to work harder and to have people hold me accountable to it.
The best way I found freedom this week, however, was though the power of the Holy Spirit. He has been so faithful in healing me. I feel as if he lifted a heavy burden off of my shoulders. I no longer have to carry the weight of my depression. I can lay it at Jesus feet. He’ll help me carry it.
A friend challenged me to think of myself as already healed. She told me to pretend as if I’m not going to struggle. To not consume my thoughts with when my next hard time will be.Instead, think of all the good times that are yet to come. That really challenged me to want to look at my depression from a different angle. Instead of having it be something that consumes me, I want to look at it as something that I am defeating.
In that, I know I am set free. In CHRIST, I am set free.