I have been having a hard time lately as I have been going through a dry season in my relationship with God. Although my depression has decreased the past few weeks, I also haven’t been as on fire for the Lord the past couple weeks. I have been having a hard time because here I am at this school that is supposed to be spiritually filling and here I am sitting feeling empty. I keep having to remind myself that Christianity is not about a feeling. It’s about a long obedience, a loving relationship. I don’t have to feel anything to be a Christian.
It sure does make ministry easier though.. Being “Spiritually dry” makes it hard to want to get in the word, pray, and do ministry. Once again, I have to remind myself that in this time in my life, it’s probably the most important time for me to be in prayer and in the word. So why do I feel this way? What is taking away these joyful emotions that come when you are a Christian? I don’t believe they are gone. I’m still incredibly joyful that I have a God that loves me unconditionally. It’s just, sometimes I don’t feel it. Thank goodness it’s not about a feeling. It’s about a relationship.
I’m not completely healed. I am set free, but that brokenness is still there. Maybe that’s why I feel so spiritually dry. Maybe it’s because I’m afraid I’m going to slip back into this deep depression and this time I won’t make it out. I don’t know what it is exactly. I feel as if I’m saved, yes. I’m set free, yes. Am I immune to slipping back into a deep depression? I don’t know. Look, this battle is hard. It continues to be so. I don’t want to put on this face like everything is all better when it’s not. Yet, i also don’t want to lead people to believe that I’m not completely healed by the grace of God, because I am. I can trust God enough to know he won’t let me drown. I can trust my doctors enough to know they are doing the best they can to keep me on this path to healing. I’m in this weird transition stage between depression and healing. I’m still vulnerable. But here’s the thing, people say I’m a new person. People who knew me before an now say there is a difference in me. I know I’m different too. I’m very different. I’m a good different, praise the Lord. But I still struggle, but the difference is I can make it through. Before, i could not make it through without having an anxiety attack. Now, I can do it. I can cope. It’s wonderful. So with all that stuff said I guess the bottom line is this: I am set free. I am still broken. I will make it through.