I’ve taken a moment this Easter to evaluate exactly what it means for Christ to have died and rose again. It means Gods wrath was placed upon his only Son so that he might look at us in perfection. His resurrection proves he is God and we should be joyful in that fact. Not only did he die for our sins, but he proves his ultimate glory by showcasing his power through the resurrection. We can be certain, therefore, that our sins are indeed forgiven and we have been set free.
As I ponder this, I also think about these past couple weeks since I got out of the Hospital. They have been a great two weeks. I have gotten to work on redoing my room, I got a gym membership(and have been using it), and I got a job! I also registered for classes in the fall at Cornerstone. Things are really coming together. The medications are truly working. There is one thing that I need to work on, however, that my medications can’t touch.
My self esteem has been an issue for me since middle school. I was never pretty enough, thin enough, smart enough, or worth enough. Through high school, my self esteem only grew worse and worse. I tried to find my esteem in guys. I looked for that adoration, that love, that affection. That’s still true today. I have always felt in order to be whole, I needed a guy in my life. These past couple of weeks, that came to a head. Feeling better than I ever had, I decided to reach out to guys. Little did I know, I was filling a God sized whole in my heart with men. I started to doubt who I am. I started to doubt my worth outside of men. I began to think I could only be happy with a man.
These past few days, I hit the wall. God got ahold of me and asked me what am I doing? Satan however used this as an opportunity to condemn me. I felt guilt, shame, remorse, and accused. The good news is, there is no condemnation in Christ! He convicts but never condemns. As I work these next couple weeks on healing and letting God fill my heart, I’ll remember this beautiful Easter Story. My past is my past and God doesn’t see it. All he sees is a daughter of the King thanks to Jesus death and resurrection. As I type this, I remember that I’m already free. There is nothing I have to do to EARN his forgiveness because it was taken care of at the cross.
What an Easter. I was blessed to spend it with my Church Family and biological family. On CHRIST the solid rock I stand, all other ground is sinking sand.