Have you ever noticed that the world has such a skewed view of what beautiful is? It seems almost every culture views something else as beautiful. From the constant changing fashion trends to the overly skinny super models beauty never stays the same long and is often unattainable.
Over the past three weeks, I have thought a lot about this idea of beauty. I have done a lot of, some healthy and many not so healthy, things to try any make myself feel beautiful. At the end of it all however, I still feel like I’m reaching for something and just coming up empty. Could it be that what I’m reaching for is simply a social construct and not really the root of what makes a person beautiful?
We have all heard from many sources including famous scholars and biblical texts that true beauty come from within. Whether that simply be a lovely personality or something more spiritual such as a strong faith in God, it seems that true beauty is rooted much more deeply at the inside of a person more than it is externally.
I’ve come to realize something over the past couple of days. All my striving to become beautiful has actually made me ugly. I won’t go into detail here, but a lot of what I’ve done over the past three weeks has turned my insides into a completely ugly person.
If I’m being honest with you all, I have to admit something that even my parents are unaware of. (Stay tuned Mom and Dad.) Through all my striving , I have come to a point where I no longer feel worth a lot in the worlds eyes, mainly because I can’t measure up. This, along with a lot of other factors, has lead to a lot of hurt. This hurt has lead me to question God’s goodness. So here’s my confession. I don’t know if I truly believe God is as good as he says he is. It’s not just because of my hurt that I’m questioning this, but also a lot of things both in the bible and today make me question it. I question whether I truly want to trust a God like that. I’ve had doubts and struggles in my faith before, but never one this serious. I had to physically leave my young adult group at my church on Wednesday because I was so physically upset with God.
So maybe all my striving to feel beautiful has lead my soul to become less then beautiful. I’m not posting this blog for people to comment and try to convince me to change my mind. I know what you are all going to say and honestly, if I’m going to change it has to come from within. The reason I share this, however, is to be open and honest with those who love me as I have found honesty to be one valued thing at the moment.
I realize I haven’t given an update in awhile and a lot of what I mentioned earlier is why. I haven’t had the words to say to describe my situation until now.
Now I’m realizing how messed up the world is and how messed up I am simply by being apart of the world. My “beauty” is less than beautiful. And my beautiful is not true “beauty”. That’s what it comes down to. Until next time my dear friends.