Now I Just Sit in Silence

My heart is heavy this evening. Not for one specific reason. There are many factors that contribute to this heaviness. This darkness. Probably, to my Mom’s dismay, I missed a dose of medication this morning, so that could definitely be a contributing factor as well. Despite that though, I want to discuss just a couple of things weighing on my heart.

With the summer beginning and a routine settling in, I have found myself becoming quite numb to my environment. It’s really disheartening. I want to feel super amounts of Joy. I’m also so used to feeling a deep deep sadness. It’s so different to feel how I do now. Is this numbness normal? What does normal even feel like? I’m content in my complacency. So don’t get me wrong. It’s not that I’m not content. I feel that I truly am. There is just this numbness (almost zombie like) that is my everyday. Maybe I need to make a change? A new lifestyle choice? Maybe it’s giving up technology for a couple weeks? Whatever it is, I’m hoping to shake things up a bit, instead of settling for this.

Going off of that I guess is probably the next biggest thing on my mind. That’s the topic of my faith in a god or gods. I’m a tiny bit uncomfortable where I’m at with all of that. I have stopped going to church, but I have found a great sense of loss in the community aspect that is the church. Therefore, I still have been attending the young adult group that is offered on Wednesday nights. That group is good. Though it’s a little uncomfortable when everyone is singing and I’m just standing there; it’s a great place to voice my questions and listen to other’s thoughts and opinions. I have a great respect for the leaders at the church I attend. Rod, Dan, Will, and many others all have such a great passion for what they believe, it draws me in wondering why they believe it & why have they dedicated their entire lives to it? I have so many questions still left unanswered and I have so much hurt still festering. The uncomfortable feeling I have is driving me to try to figure it all out, however. I yearn to know the truth.

The truth? I have a hard time believing in truth, especially about myself. I think I could be affirmed a million times by a million different people and still not believe a single word they said. When someone puts me down, though? Oh, I will believe that from the bottom of my heart. I always used to say I only believe affirmations when they come from men. More recently, however, I have realized that not even a mans compliment will last in my soul. The main thing I struggle with is my weight. Honestly, I think I’m a pretty great person. I also believe in pretty. My weight ruins that though. I’m nothing because I am fat. At least that’s what my mind is trying to convince me to believe. I am nothing.

I’ve been super interested lately in reading up on my third diagnosis of Borderline Personality Disorder. I’m not going to take the time now to explain it, so take some time and do your own research on it. What I’ve learned through my own research is that I’m not alone though. There are others that think and feel the same way I do. I’m not crazy.

Wow, so many thoughts coming to me all at once. It’s impossible to keep track of them all. One thing I know for certain though, I will do anything I can in my power to stay alive and keep fighting. Everyday.

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