Two Words: I Believe

How could one week be so crazy.  So many highs and so many lows.  It’s almost as if I’m riding a roller coaster.  As much as I enjoy roller coasters, I would had rather gotten off this one when I had the chance.  Luckily I hung on to see the sights, though.  Regardless of whether or not I wanted to live it, I did and now I have a story to tell because of it.

My week started off like any other week.  I worked on Sunday but had Monday and Tuesday off, which was nice.  Monday was fairly uneventful.  I think I slept most of the day away.  Tuesday, however, took me on a ride.  My day started out good.  I went and got doughnuts with my brother.  We then went to Target where we got a little oval shaped minnie mouse for his fiance.. 😉 AWE. After that I went to the gym with my friend and got some food after.   I’m pretty sure what happened next was certainly not ever in my thoughts of what was going to happen in my day.  The internet is a rather public place to be sharing the details of the events that transpired, but to put it lightly.. it was traumatic.

I went to my best friend and asked her “Why?”  I couldn’t comprehend what had just happened.  I told her that I didn’t believe something could be going so well in my life, then suddenly something comes along and messes it up.  I was not happy.  I certainly wasn’t happy with God.

I’ve been asking for a long time now, “Is the God of the bible the real deal?”  There was so much doubt and confusion when it came to my belief in him.  I often found myself blaming God for all the bad things that I have endured in my life.  I also questioned his overall goodness.

Well, today I was in Holland visiting a friend.  We had a good talk, but then it was time to go.  Before I left Holland, however, I just HAD to stop at my favorite coffee shop Lemonjellos. I got there and ordered a “Stress Reliever” and sat down to enjoy my drink.  I ended up talking with a close friend on the phone who I had seen the night before.  She was worried about me as she saw that I had slit my wrists and I was in tears.  On the phone with her, I brought up a lot of the questions I had about God.  She listened and was understanding.  I still didn’t find any clarity, however, as I often don’t.

When I got off the phone with her, I was nearly finished with my coffee.  I decided to stay a few minutes longer simply because I did not want to move.  That’s when I overheard the conversation at the table next to me.  I couldn’t tell you exactly what they were talking about, but I remember it being very similar to the conversation I just had on the phone.  I quickly jumped in explaining I had been having many doubts and questions and was wondering if they would be willing to talk.  They warned they did not have all the answers, but invited me to pull up a chair.  We probably sat thier for a good hour discussing all things God.  I explained to them a little of my situation and why I was agnostic.  They were very understanding and seemed to genuinely want to know the truth.

As our conversation went on, we decided to take it outside as it was a beautiful day out.  We sat down in the lawn and one of the guys asked me if I had any other questions.  I had just one.  Once he answered that he asked me what I was thinking.  I told him I so desperately wanted to believe in this God, but I felt like something was holding me back.  He then took me through several verses in Romans and asked me to read them out loud.  After reading each verse, he asked if I believed that to be true.  I quietly nodded and said yes every time.  When he got to the last verse, he then said something to the effect of, “Now, if you believe all of that to be true, why do you say you don’t believe.  Nothing is holding you back.”  Then he asked me to pray whatever was on my heart.  I did just that and I asked Jesus into my life.  There was no pressure.  It was a simple statement of faith.

Realizing what happened, I was so excited. I felt I had hope.  Something I honestly haven’t known in a long time.  I don’t believe that it was by any coincidence I met these two men today.  They even said they overheard me on the phone and just knew they needed to talk with me.  God was pursuing me.

After we parted ways, I needed to tell someone.  My friend and mentor works for Hope College so I quickly walked to her office to share the good news.  I then called my best friend.

Now I’m sharing with the world aka whomever decides to read my blog.  Tonight I sat with some friends and discussed all that has happened the past couple days.  I’m still struggling, but I know thats okay.  I know that’s normal.  Most of all, I know I have a comforter who loves me enough to take away all my pain someday.

With an elated heart,


One Reply to “Two Words: I Believe”

  1. I love how God works in such quiet ways. Like Elijah, we think we’ll see Him in storms and huge events. Nope. He comes in a whisper, or in your case, a quiet talk at a coffee shop. You are written in the Savior’s hands, Tori. He does not let His children wander far. I love you. Hugs. ~Aunt Mary~

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