Sometimes, when I look back on my life, I realize that I honestly have had an amazing up bringing. I have the worlds greatest parents and I have an older brother who is and always has been my inspiration and best friend. Too this day people come up to me reminding me of how great I have it. It’s true too. I grew up here in America. I received a great education. I even had the opportunity to go to college. What a dream. I’m so thankful for all these things. Yet, despite all the blessings, I still suffer from my mental illnesses. Some of it is genetics, I had a high likelihood of getting depressed simply from that. A lot of it was also my environment, however. I’m going to share something I don’t often share and never have a shared it publicly, but I feel like if I tell people about my struggles, maybe I can help them on some way. It’s also healing for me.
So, like I said, I had a pretty good childhood. Despite the fact I was often bullied, I prevailed through and made it to high school. I had such a low self esteem in high school. I wanted friends more than anything. In an attempt to make friends, I immersed myself in the party/drug scene. I started drinking regularly and smoking pot daily. Honestly, I never really liked doing it, but it’s what my friends were doing.
My senior year I started to get myself straightened out. I took a couple AP courses and met some new friends. Like was going pretty good. I did however start seeing this guy that ultimately screwed me up forever. He was great at first. However, that didn’t last too long. He became very verbally and physically abusive towards me. I didn’t share this with many at the time out of fear. I got closer to him without anyone’s knowledge and the closer I got, the worse the abuse was. I’d come home hiding back tears as I felt I was helpless. Eventually one terrible, horrific, night, I was raped by his close friend. It was sick because he provoked it and made it happen. After that, I knew I had to cut all ties with him. Despite being gripped with fear, I was able to do that. I was free from him at last, but not from the horrors I encountered.
Soon after, I started school at Grand Valley. I was excited for a fresh start. It turns out, college is a lot lonelier than you would expect. Especially when you’re new on campus. My first we of staying in the dorms was terrible. I called home crying every night. I’ve told this next part of the story in past blog posts so I’ll just summarize. Basically I joined a Christian Organization on campus and met some amazing people. In fact my best friend til this day I met there. I learned about God and committed my life to him.
The next two years were pretty uneventful. I did however discover a deep feeling of hurt in my heart that wouldn’t go away. The hurt continued to get worse and drove me to a lot of self hatred. I formed addictions to ease the pain. I cut and burned myself on my upper legs. Eventually moving to my wrist. I started becoming crazed. That’s when I knew something was seriously wrong with me. I met with a councilor at GVSU. He eventually sent me inpatient for the first time.
For length purposes I’m going to skip a little bit and just summarize it by saying I was hospitalized two more times after that for suicide attempts and was forced to take a medical withdrawal from Grand Valley. That brings me out to last summer. I thought I was doing pretty good so I decided to apply to the Bridge Street Mission School. Shortly after getting accepted, the deep anguish came back. I had a plan to kill myself in a week. I told my therapist at the time my plan and he called the police and I was either going to be escorted to the hospital or I would be taken my my mom. I chose the second option. This hospitalization was by far the worst. I didn’t feel any better being there so I kept my plan to kill myself. I found away to hang my bra around the shower knob in the hospital. Well someone found me hanging there and I immediately got someone to follow me 24/7 . This didn’t stop me from trying to attempt though. So eventually the took all my cloths and blankets and left me with a bed sheet a pillow. My total stay there was three weeks. When I was released I was put back in two days later after an overdose. This stay was for another week.
By the time I was completely out I had less then a month before mission school started. I called the director of the program and asked if he still wanted me and he said yes. So I went. Now skipping several months I’ll put the story in Guatemala. This is where my life changed forever in two ways. One because I fell in love with the country. The other way was a week before we were supposed to come home, I overdosed. I had my stomach pumped and was sent home immediately. After a brief hospitalization here in the States. The decision was made that I would no longer be part of the mission school.
I was totally at a lose. I didn’t know what to do. So I started seeking the only thing I thought I was good for: sex. I’m not going into detail here for obvious reasons, but I’ll just say I was raped and hurt in more ways one could imagine. I was hospitalized again after this.
Finally after this hospitalization I started feeling better. Like my life was on track. These past two months have been good. I’ve been working and Socializing with friends. Things were going great up until last week.. When I was abused and raped by a friend. This was the worst thing I think I’ve ever experienced. That brings me to now. My past present and future haunt me day and night and I fight with every ounce of my being to stay alive. I’m fighting harder then I ever have before, but I will say it’s hard. I often can’t get out of bed, hurt myself, or think about giving up. I won’t though because I know I have a purpose.
I’m sorry that was such a long story and I honestly don’t know how people will react to it. I think I need people to know what I’m dealing with though. Please I don’t want your sympathy. I really want people to be aware though of what’s going on a round them. I also hope people see that even if the outside looks great doesn’t mean the inside is.