It’s no secret that I still struggle with the idea of God. Especially an all powerful, all knowing, just, and loving God. I find myself questioning how this type of God could ever allow such terrible things to happen. I have had some thoughts and discussions on the subject but ultimately it’s something I’m going to be wrestling with for awhile.
I’m reminded of one of my earliest hospitalizations. I honestly forgot who said this, but someone told me to go back to the time I was raped initially and imagine God in the room with me, watching over me. That thought has been driving a mess of confusion and questions in my head. How could I imagine a so called loving God just standing on the sidelines watching, as a man violates me in one of the deepest ways imaginable. That doesn’t sound too loving.. Yet, this is reality. I do believe that if God is who he says he is then he was in that room with me. He is omnipresent after all. I scream, “But God, why!?” And you know what.. I’m never given an answer.
This is tough for me. I want to stop doubting. I want to grab on to this hope that Jesus has to offer, but I struggle to do so. It’s a battle between what I’ve been told and my own human logic. I see Christians and Non-Christians alike cursing God and his people. It’s all too much for me. I mean, frankly, it all come down to the age old question, “why do bad things happen to good people?” No one really has an answer for that.
Now, this year was supposed to be my year. The year I get better, the year I get on with my life, and the year I become happy with every aspect of my life. That has obviously not happened. Am I blaming God for that? Maybe? I honestly couldn’t say. The blame game doesn’t really cut it for me. It doesn’t matter who’s fault it it, the fact is it happened and now I have to move on. How do I move on? Let me know when you figure it out.
I’m sorry this post is a lot of rambling. It’s an organized mess of words. It’s my thoughts. Daily.
Before I go, I’m going to leave saying one last thing. Please resolve never to say these words to me while having a conversation about God with me. “You should be grateful because he has kept you alive/given you life.” Because it all comes down to this. How can I be grateful for my life when I don’t want to be alive.