To be honest, I never really listened to much of Theory of a Deadman’s music. I think I’ve heard a song or two but I never really got into them. Regardless of that, the name of the band has always fascinated me. In different parts of my life those words meant different things. Right now they are so much more complex then I could even share. I wonder what the artists were thinking when they came up with this name. I ponder what point in their life were they to come up with such a dark, yet stimulating name. If I were to take a guess, they were at rock bottom. Who knows, that’s just my theory.
Rock bottom, oh it’s a place I know of so well. It’s a place I spent a lot of my time and energy. It’s a place I never want to go back to. Luckily, I’m on the up-swing. I’m climbing the walls of the pit i’ve been stuck in. The hard part? I have yet to see the light. This pit has many twists and turns that completely block me from seeing anything. I’m basically feeling my way around. That’s okay though, because like I said, I’m on my way out.
Truth be told, I should be dead right now. Between the suicide attempts and risky behavior, it’s a miracle I have made it out alive. Here’s the thing though, I feel as if I was dead, maybe still am. Yes my heart is still beating and my lungs are still taking in oxygen, but my brain totally shut itself down. I was a walking zombie. Sometimes, I feel as if I still am. There are very few things that make me feel alive again. In fact I can list them off right now: playing music, listening to music, writing,and laughing. I’m more alive when I do those things. My Ukulele is my best friend at the moment.
I want to be free. I want to feel alive. I know I will achieve that someday, but I know this process is all a part of life. If anything, it’s building character. I’m not the most beautiful, nor the most talented girl in the world, but that doesn’t mean I don’t have something to offer it. If anything, I have my story.
I don’t feel like getting into the whole religious aspect of my life tonight, so just know that’s why I’m not mentioning it. I understand the role it plays in my life.
I have a lot on my mind tonight. Maybe that’s a good thing though. Maybe that means I can make some changes. Whatever it means, I know I’ll come out on the other side. I refuse to let my bones rot beneath the earth. That my friends, is the theory of an alive (wo)man.