Honestly

One of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do was fake it.  For such a long period of my life I lied to everyone.  My family and friends both knew different aspects of who I was but nobody saw who I truly was.  No one saw the internal struggle.  I thought at the time lying would make my life so much easier.  The truth is, it eventually made it so much worse.

When the truth came out it was such a weight off my shoulders.  Sadly, the damage had already been done though.  I never have recovered from a lot of my past, but I think letting it ALL come to light was definitely the first step.

So to be honest, I have started and re-started this blog post ten times over.  I did not exactly know what to say.  It’s not that I didn’t know the idea I wanted to convey, I just didn’t know how to put it in words.  I especially didn’t want my readers to get the wrong idea about what’s going on in my life.  I have this fear, you see, that what I post will determine people’s thoughts or actions about me.  Essentially,  I knew I had to say the truth.  Why? Well, because life is easier that way.

In recent months, I’ve become a pretty blunt person.  For the most part, I’ve been able to speak my mind and say how I’m feeling straight up.  I haven’t decided whether that is a good or a bad thing yet.  One perk of being blunt is getting an immediate response.  For example, I say I want something.  Right away I will have an answer as to whether or not I can have said thing.  Some downsides include disappointment or even hurting someone unintentionally.  It’s all a balance.  Regardless, I have been more blunt and with that I have gotten so many opinions on different subjects in my life.  The main two would be about mental illness or spiritual issues.

Hearing so many opinions is great.  I mean, It gives me a lot to think about.  The one problem with so many opinions, is sometimes I find my own voice and opinions gets lost in the mix.  With that, I think I need to state some reality about several things that I found I lost my voice in.

  1. First off, I would like to clarify about being “better” or still being “sick”.  That’s not really the question that should be asked right now.  For starters, I don’t think I can say either of those things.  I would use the words “in remission” or even “symptoms are being managed”.  Technically, I think that means I’m still sick, but I don’t think that’s the way we should think about it.  I think progress is being made, even if it is two steps forward and one step back.
  2. This next one, even I don’t know where I stand, but I think that’s okay.  I have heard a lot about how I can restore my relationship with God.  Trust me I’ve heard it all.  I know he died to save me, I know I can have freedom in him, and I know he loves me.  The issue is I can’t wrap my mind around God.  I just can’t.  Do I think that mean’s I’m not “saved”? Not necessarily, but, I also don’t think thats a judgement anyone apart from God can make.  Like I said a couple weeks ago, I’m wrestling with God, and I honestly believe God likes a good wrestling match.  Also, don’t you think he’ll win in the end?  No need to worry.
  3. This one I’ll keep short.  I’ve just had a lot of people ask me if going back to school is really a good idea at this point in my life.  My answer is yes.  School will keep me busy, give me something to aim for, and give me purpose.
  4. Oh, this next one I saved for last on purpose.  Mainly because it’s probably the least significant of the three, but also I honestly have a fear in addressing it.  Errm, uhm, ehh….. Okay, so I’ve obviously have never had a very healthy relationship with men so far in my life.  Despite a few solid male friends, I have never really been romantically involved with a guy in a healthy way.  I understand this to be completely true.  I don’t think that means I can’t step forward in my life and start a healthy relationship.  I do know, healing needs to come, my self-worth can’t from him, and that It will be hard work.  I know all of that.  Trust me.  I also don’t think I need to swear off men for however long, though.  I think that I should allow things to happen if they happen, and things not to if they aren’t supposed to happen.  Leave if up to God, shall we say?  The main reason this is one is because I’ve had some friends get angry with me if I stated I had feelings for a guy.  I honestly don’t think that’s fair to me.  So please be respectful of that.

So I guess that’s all I have to say for now.  Sorry it’s probably not the most interesting or most profound read, but I really needed to get it off my chest.

Until next time my dear friends.

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