I have been putting off writing a new blog post for some time now. It seemed to me that my life should be going in a straight path and that my next blog post should reflect that. Well, as it turns out, life is never as easy as one anticipates it to be. The twists and turns along the way are just a part of what make up life here in this broken world. Everyone has their burden to bear. Some just do so more gracefully than others. I’ll be honest, I was never one that took things lightly. I can remember even from a young age small challenges equaled huge crisis in my mind. Come to find out later in life that their is a diagnosis called BPD to define that. Although, said diagnosis is no excuse for quitting or complaining even.
Over the past few weeks all my housing options have fallen through. With school starting Monday, I feel like I’m on hands and knees begging to find a place to live. I know some people don’t and never will understand this, but moving out is very important to me. Not only to be independent, but also in my journey of healing. Right now, not by anyone’s fault, my parents home feels like chaos. It’s just the way life has to be right now. Being in and around that everyday is hard. My goal is to better my environment for now.
Transition is also a huge part of my life. Although I am returning to the same school I went to before, every thing has changed. Most of my friends have graduated. Many have moved on and are now going to grad school or getting married. It’s hard to see them go.
So, this has been on my heart lately and I have been mortified at even the thought of talking about it. I think that if I write it down, maybe some of the sting will be gone. So with a deep breath I will progress… To explain this in the best way I know how, try to imagine yourself as an open wound. Ok, now imagine someone kicking dirty into that wound. It’s super painful. If not taken care of eventually it will become infected and be even more of a problem. Okay, now imagine someone gently applying alcohol to the wound. Then they bandage it with care. Though the alcohol stings at first, it is good in the long run as that as well as the bandage promotes healing. This wound that I am talking about is depression. So lately, because I have been seemingly better on the outside, more and more people have found ways to kick dirty into the wound. That is being harsh and unkind, being ignorant, or hurting me in some way. None of these things are helpful and if I don’t address them, I have a feeling that things will just get a lot worse. On the other hand, with therapy and medication, they act as the alcohol and bandage. Therapy is hard, it hurts. In the end, it only promotes healing though. And the medication acts as a bandage, keeping junk out and keeping they symptoms under control. So I know this is super general but please know that I am hurting an awful lot everyday. I’m trying so hard to be strong. One little comment can mess up a great deal of progress. I’m going to be more mindful and try to be assertive when situations arise. I don’t think being passive is an option anymore in my life.
God certainly wants what’s best for me. I am sure of it. I know nothing is out of his control. Though I still have a long ways to go when it comes to my relationship with God, at least I can rest assured knowing my life is in his hands.
Oh, and so you have something to look forward too. I have been writing a letting to the 16 year old version of myself. I’m hoping to post it once it’s complete. Just imagine credits rolling and then in the side screen a logo pops up while a man with a deep voice proclaims “In our next episode…..” Oh the joys of media.