Not Going Back

I can’t sleep. This is the first time in weeks I’ve been able to say those words. Lately, it has been that I need to sleep all the time. I don’t know if I should be celebrating, or crying.

It’s one thing to not be able to sleep. It’s another to find yourself so wrapped up in a slew of terrible thoughts that your mind couldn’t possibly comprehend abandoning itself to its own subconscious. You can probably guess which one describes my current situation.

I’m very ‘over’ the fact that it was a bad day today. I’m pretty sure no amount of ice cream could cure me from the “Monday-est” of all Monday’s. No in loo of that, I’m just plain ole depressed. What’s new, though? I’m doing a heck of a lot better than I’ve ever been mind you, but that doesn’t mean my mind doesn’t occasionally creep itself into the darkest of all dark places.

It starts out by thinking back to times when things were easy. You know, that thing called childhood is a great place to be. Except then comes the thoughts of why they aren’t easy anymore. I’m not talking about having debt either.. I’m talking about things like emotional wounds that have been inflicted and never dealt with.

Next comes the thoughts of how much you hate the pain and how much you wish it would end. The thoughts of “Oh I thought I’d be over it by now.” Those crazy thoughts that make you think crazy things. Maybe you know what I mean… maybe you don’t..

Suicide. Hospitals. Been there, done that. Why? I’m not going back. No. So why the thoughts? Why does my mind so easily turn to this supposedly “easy” solution. Fighting it takes more energy than actually attempting. How backwards is that?

I’m not going back. When I say that, I don’t mean to the hospital. Will I ever end up there again? Well, I can’t say never. I have before and that got me nowhere. Not literally. No, when I say I’m not going back, I mean, I’m not going back to that place of desperation and destitution where I think my only way out is death. I refuse to believe in this easy answer anymore. I’ve seen there are so many better alternatives. They are a hell of a lot harder, but my life literally depends on my will to fight a little longer.

It’s easier said than done. Trust me on this one.

So while my mind naturally is searching for its eternal resting place tonight (by ironically not allowing my body to physically rest), my spirit is pushing through saying.. Ah no screaming, “YOU HAVE SO MUCH TO LIVE FOR!” Do I?

I think I do. Who cares what that one guy from that one time said. He’s not worth it anyway. I have so much to live for.

Did you see that? Did you catch that at all? I said something that I could have never said a few months ago. A part of my mind may be stuck there but my spirit is not. I’m going to be fine.

So maybe I’m not perfect. Maybe I’m not. I’m not.

Maybe that’s good though. Maybe.

It’s my flaws and imperfections that shape me and mold me and make me the best version of me. I’d rather be flawed and myself than perfect and someone I hated any day.

So, it’s 1:29 am on a Tuesday morning. I’m wide awake because my mind won’t stop thinking of horrible things, yet my mind also won’t stop fighting back. It’s a war. I’m “waging my wars behind my face and above my throat.” And though “shadows will scream that I’m alone.” I know that “I’ve made it this far”(Twenty One Pilots- Migraine)and will dare to make it even farther.

I bid thee adieu, friends.

Until tomorrow.

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