With every coming year, there is always expected to be some change that comes with it. New Years resolutions mark promises of a “new you”. While people always change with time, there are some things that totally shake up your life. For me, 2015, was one of those years. I had expected a change since I was starting out the year abroad, but I could have never anticipated how my life was shaped by the events of the year.
The first thing that really effected me was one that I was expecting. Working with the kids in the slum of La Limonada changed the way I saw the world. It changed what happiness meant and what brokenness was.
The next thing that impacted me more than anything else this year was my suicide attempt in Gutemala. Every change I mention from here on out, would not have happened had I not attempted. I was sent home early, and dismissed from the mission school. These events made me bitter. That bitterness turned me into things that I hate.
After I returned, I kept landing myself back in the hospital. I was so hopeless, I wanted to give up on life. This was scary for everyone around me. I gave up my belief in God and was angry at anyone involved in the mission school.
My anger consumed me. I lost friends because of it. I was driven into the pit of loneliness. I found myself desperate for love. In this desperation I made many mistakes. I not only lost any sense of innocence I may have still held onto, but I also lost my dignity. I was addicted to this feeling of being loved, which was actually no love at all. I landed myself in the hospital one more time, this time for addiction. The hardest thing was favoring my parents after they knew what I had done. I felt shameful, filled with grief, and dirty.
Having my parents know, turned out to be the best thing for me. They were able to help me. I have healed to a point that I know I will get better eventually and that I can be happy again. Though I’m still not sure if I believe in God, I do have faith that if he is real, he will reveal himself to me.
Now I have completed my first semester back at Grand Valley, studying the thing I know I want to do. I’m content. I’m living with amazing, supportive roommates. I have so much.
So how am I different? I’ve seen pain in so many different contexts this year. I know rock bottom and I know the way out. I know who my true friends are. I know that I’m forever loved by my family. I’m passionate to make sure no one else has to go through what I did.
Have a blessed New Year Friends.