One year sober, well, not quite. It’s probably not what you’re thinking either. A couple week from today marks a pretty significant point in my life. You see, a year ago exactly, I was just beginning a period of my life that would lead me to rock bottom. Last year I was beginning the absolute worst two weeks of my life. I’ve been through hell and still, nothing can even come close to comparing to the shit storm that I was experiencing one year ago. Like I said, though, one year sober.
Two weeks from now I will be one year clean. No, not from drugs or alcohol. The type of high I was craving was one that no artificial substance could create. No, I craved fufillment. I would do anything to get attention. Now don’t imagine some prissy girl begging for attention, because that wasn’t me. I was a mess. My friends can attest to the awful things I was putting myself through just to feel loved. The problem is, every attempt just made me feel even more empty. Imagine me, a now beautiful girl, with scared arms and legs, makeup staining my cheeks, constant lying and deceiving, and with empty soulless eyes reflecting my heart. The disaster that I was is the same that you would find when talking to a heroin addict or a prostitute. I was in just as much danger. Thankfully, I was taken to the hospital before I lost my life.
The hardest hospital stay I ever had took place. I was not only forced to look at the disaster of my life and reevaluate, but I also had to leave my “drug”. I no longer could get the attention I craved. I was locked away. During this stay I realized that I could never find happiness in anyone. That really changed my life. After I got discharged, I felt like a fish out of water. I had zero direction on how to fill my still ever so empty heart. During the course of the next few months, I slowly, but surely started finding satisfaction and happiness in myself. At first, it was small things that I was proud of; playing a new song on the Ukulele for example. Then in turned to bigger things. I found more enjoyment in myself and what I was doing. Eventually, the last and the hardest thing for me to accept was my beauty. Once I did that, I found that only true happiness can come from within. I will also note here that God has everything to do with even beginning to find satisfaction in myself. So here I am, (almost) one year sober from searching for fufillment in others.
Now, I’m able to find fufillment in a variety of ways. One of those ways has been my writing. I think that writing has been the only way I have been able to express my thoughts well. I talk quickly and I often speak without thinking. That’s why I think I like writing so much. It forces me to slow down and reevaluate what I’m saying. It has helped me share my story. Now some of my readers and followers have suggested I write a book. I put it off for a long time, not really feeling I have been ready for such a task. Now, I am extremely happy to announce I have started writing my very first Memoir. The memoir will be detailing the last three years of my life. It will contain my battle with mental illness, my struggles with God, my rock bottom, and eventually my hope and freedom in what I have discovered through the journey. I’m so excited to share it with you all! I have done some rough drafting of the first five chapters. They are all fairly short as I still want to go through and add some detail. I am asking for a few people who may want to read these drafts and give me some feedback! Did you see any errors? What would you like to see more of in my writing? Is there anything I should take out? Where should I take the rest of the book? All of these questions I would love to have answers too. Private message me if you might be interested.
I’m so happy to have been through what I have, even thought it was hard. And these next couple weeks I will remember just how far I have come.
I love you and you should too. Blessings