Have you ever looked back a year or two and thought about all that has changed? I think a lot of people do this. Some see change for the good, others for the worse. Ragardless, change is bound to happen with time. Noticing change as it happens harder to recognize. Usually it happens so slowly, or so suddenly, our brains don’t even process that a change has taken place. It’s only when you look back that you can see a full picture.
In the age of Facebook and the newer feature “memories” looking back and see everything that has changed has gotten a bit easier. I usually look at my post from 7 years ago and shiver in disgust at the annoying teenager I appeared to be. Facebook mainly captures such shallow memories, however, that it is harder to see any real, valuable changes. Of course I was annoying 7 years ago. I was an immature high school senior who thought she knew everything. Of course I have matured since then.
We all mature in different ways. Our mental ability to navigate in this world usually grows. Social cues and behavioral norms usually become more learned as we grow older. Today, I saw a type of change in my life that is a harder one to see. My regular therapist was recently blessed with a baby boy, so I was placed with a temporary one until she comes back from her leave. Luckily, the person I was today was a familiar face. The woman who walked through the doors to call me to her room was recently hired into the office I go to. Before that, she was finishing her PHD while interning at the inpatient mental health center of Holland Hospital. How do I know this? Well, she worked there during the many months that I spent during the very dark days of my life.
Today all of those memories of suicide attempts, addiction, horrible abuse flashed through my mind. I thought for sure that this is what she would remember me for. I wasn’t wrong about that, she sure did remember that woman in which she did psych evaluations on and even a case study. She didn’t treat me like that woman though. She knew I wasn’t who I was a year ago. Through our conversation, simply by telling her what’s happening in my life now, she was able to show me how much progress I have made. She revealed to me the true extent to how much I have changed.
I expressed to her me fears of becoming that woman again. I told her how I didn’t want to fall back into a deep depression. I ranted about the fears I have of the mania that may consume me and turn me back into an addict or worse. She showed me again, how much has changed.
Since stepping back into real life I have been able to build a life worth living. That is a life that I don’t want to end. That is a life that I don’t want to manipulate and destroy. It’s a life I want to live until completion. I have so much to live for. My family, friends, job, passions, and dreams are all so important to me now. More than ever, I want to succeed. I want to help others succeed.
Today, I had a glimpse of my old self and realized how much I and my situation has changed. I have worked so hard over this past year and for the first time, I can say it has payed off and I’m proud.
So raise a glass to change. In this life, we will live.