Cutting the Crap

I stood there in a fit of panic.  I didn’t know what to do.  I looked around at everyone in the room and they acted as if everything was normal. Could everything really be normal.  I looked in my shaking hands as I held the small razor blade, no safety’s around it. I looked up one more time as I nodded and tried to concentrate on what my coworker was trying to tell me.  She grabbed the blade from my hand and started to scrape the oven that was caked with grit.  I snapped back into reality.

A tiny razor blade in my hands tonight made me realize my step into reality.  To think that just a year ago in my breaking point of depression, mania, anxiety, and addiction, I would turn to a tiny razor blade to numb the pain. This tiny razor blade that I held in my hands was no longer an enemy.  It wasn’t something to hide. Like other things in my life, it was no longer something I needed to hid.

Sadness, Alcohol, Addiction, Suicide attempts, and a life in the hospital seems like a normal part of who I once was.  Like  the razor blade, I once would slit my leg and hide the scars, then hid the blade under the mattress. I no longer have to hid my scars or the razor blade.  I can hold every single terror I listed earlier and say “I have overcome this.” That doesn’t mean I never am tempted to slip back into a place of horror and never reappear, but now I know how to get through it. Now I have nothing to hid.

Most people aren’t as open about this kind of stuff.  If anything, I’ve learned through opening up, I have been able to not only change my life, but help change others.  When I claim my identity, I’m no longer an addict, a bipolar person, a I am a survivor! I’m a suicide survivor, a fighter, a daughter, a lover, a friend.  I’m all of these things and more!  My identity ultimately can be found in Christ who ultimately kept me alive despit my attempts to take it away.  He brought me near to him, despite my spit and rejections of him.  He captured my heart despite my desire to find affection in dark places. He saved me.

Tonight, a tiny little razor blade shook me and reminded me not only of my struggle, but the fact that I have overcome.


One Reply to “Cutting the Crap”

  1. I can’t begin to express all that overflows from our hearts tonight after reading your blog & seeing you this evening after work, and from our forever-love for you! …Hearts that have been embraced in & held by His grace for years. Souls saturated in the rawest of unceasing prayers for a lifetime. Lives hurled great distances, & into the depths, in love. Darkest of days, turning into years, grasped for healing & light. Can’t begin to tell you how overcome we are with love for you always. Thankfulness to the Lord for His keeping you alive when we feared you were so close to death from the ravages a raging illness. Grateful for an exceptional medical team & hospital that worked tirelessly through the years of hospitalizations & dedicated outpatient care. Overwhelmed at your never giving up in the midst of the hardest of battles to fight for your life, for your health. Our hearts may ache in weariness in the midst of the very hard of life that nearly swallowed us up these last many years, but our hearts are also emerging,, and continue to be embraced in love. All our love!! ❤

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