It all started with a simple snap of the mind. One single phrase brought to my mind terrible visions and pictures of things I wish I could have long forgotten.
That is how it started. This week has been a first. It has been the first time since I have been stable that I truly have started to feel the weight of all that happened during the last 4 years. It has hit hard by bringing me feelings, memories, visions, and pictures. It has brought my mood into a place of depression. It has me fear mania when I feel myself rise again, so I try not to let myself rise.
I think a lot of it is medical and thankfully I will be seeing my doctor soon, but as it stands, I have to admit that I hate this. The thing about depression or bipolar disorder is you constantly feel like you are under attack. Literally, your mind wants you dead. Mine does anyway.
Part of it is that I don’t think I have even began properly dealing with any of the trauma, because we have been so fearful just for my everyday life until this point. So now that I’m doing better, the harder stuff is starting to surface. As much as I wish I could never think about the abuse, the rapes, the addiction, I know I have to in order to heal. I know I have to to move forward.
Honestly, the hardest thing for me to face is the part a rarely speak of. I have called myself a harlot or a prostitute in the past but nothing seems to fit what happend. I was messed up. I was numb to everything in the world. This is what I always refer to as my rock bottom because in my life, I don’t think I could have groveled any lower than I did. I’ve been told I was victim. I have also been told I’m not what I did, but no matter, it is still something that makes me sick every time I think about it. I’ve wished the word whore be tattooed on me so people know exactly who I am.
But is that really who I am? During my darkest days, I did some awful things that should define me… but they don’t. Strangers would never guess that is what once was. I’m free from it outwardly. I also know in Christ I have a new Identity. One that is in him.
Freedom from the memories is what’s still holding me. And it’s not that I want to forget because it’s all a part of my testimony. It drives me to be the best me I can be. I just don’t want it to haunt me. I don’t want to fear.
So, I guess I’m still human and still dealing with my demons. We all are. We all have to.
Not sure what else to say.