Dear Strength,

I haven’t written in a while. You see, so much in my life has changed. In a few short months I feel like I have done basically nothing with my life; yet I managed to get engaged, thrive at work, and make plans for the future.  Not much can take me down. I fight my bipolar depression every day. I’m so much stronger than I was a year ago.  In just a couple months in fact it will be a year being Hospital free. I’m also happy to know my last suicide attempt was far over a year ago today. Looking up but always looking out for what’s to come. My doctor says that it’s like living life knowing that at any moment you could fall and bash your head. So I tread carefully.

Politics and social justic projects occupy a lot of my mind in different moments.  I have so much to learn, so many opinions forming.  I enjoy seeing debates about this and that and try to form an opinion.  I often write about how I feel about different issues.  Most remian unseen.  It’s keeps my mind occupied though, so I like it.

I often fight between my future and today. If I live too much for the future will I be missing out on today? If I love for today, how will I properly plan for the future. What part of giving my worries to the Lord means not being proactive.

I do love wedding planning. Financially it is hard, but I know no matter the cost, the wedding will be rich in Love for I have found the man whom my soul loves.

The hardest thing to accept in this moment is being well doesn’t mean I have to be fine. I accept my hard days but I struggle to accept a label of being better.  Mainly because I do struggle. The awareness I want to bring to this and so many other hidden diseases makes me want to bring to light that fact that even when is seems to be over it may not be.  

In my free time, I’ve found I’ve lost a lot of my interest in doing the things I used to enjoy. I think I haven’t felt a need for them like I used to.  Working to get back into certain things to help me stay mindful has been important to me.  I like studying and doing research on various things, mainly psychology related. I still enjoy fleshing out, brainstorming, and writing my book. Though I’ve figured now it’s more about writing it for me and maybe publishing it someday. But for now, it’s still for me.  I still love listening to music.  It gets me through everything. I haven’t played much music lately. Hopefully that’s something I can add to my list of things to do.

Honestly, the real thing I want to say is that no matter where you are at in your journey, just keep on trudging through.  Once you find a goal to focus on, strive to live for that. Keep on building a life worth living so when you feel the want to end it, you can look up and say. Nope, it’s not worth it. 

Love strong and dream big.

Shalom 

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