I want to share with you a little story. Before I start, I will tell you about the events of my day. I went to work and slept for 7 hours when I got home. I ate dinner and finished a painting.  Now I’m going to sleep again.  Think in your head now about that day.  What about that day sounds good? How about bad? What in the day seems out of the ordinary? 

Have you thought about it? If so, here is my story.  Once upon a time a very lost and broken nameless woman found finally found peace. She began doing things that helped her move forward in life. She grew in her love for God and others. She fell in love and got engaged. Everything in her life was beginning to be normal for the first time in a long time. What did normal look like? Well, it meant being semi-social. It meant not thinking about suicide.  It meant holding a steady relationship.  It meant working hard and liking work.  

Slowly, however, she started to question the normality in her life.  She wondered how long she could keep it up. Soon she felt things start to overwhelm her.  She couldn’t be at home without being overwhelmed with thoughts of good, bad, and even meoncholy things. Her brained never stopped working.  It made her physically sick.  Soon the things she once enjoyed in life solely became distractions from the chaos in her mind.  She would work as many hours as she could to not just earn money, but keep her mind distracted.  When she wasn’t working she would sleep to turn off her mind. When she couldn’t sleep she would distract herself by planning her wedding, or painting, or doing her makeup, or taking a shower. She would do whatever it too to stop her mind. Soon she began to wonder what the point of it all was. Soon she began to question her point in reality. She began to question the point of life.

And soon, this girl who thought she had began to defeat depression, was now overwhelmed with a sorrow that encompassed her whole body. Every nerve in her body was in excruciating pain.  She would sob uncontrollably for no reason other than she wanted turn off her brain.  She would die if she knew she wouldn’t be leaving those she loved behind. She knew she had a future, but she feared her future would look like this. 

This nameless girl is one you may know very well. I’ll bet you though, that I know her better. And this story though written in the third person, is the true story of how I have fallen back into depression. I wrote this today as my fiancĂ© reminded me that sometimes the best way for me to get things out of my mind is to write them down. So I’ll admit, I’m sick in the brain. But as a quote from my favorite band that is tattooed on my arm would say, “Our brains are sick, but that’s okay.”

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