Sandy Toes and Autumn Leaves

I’ve given up before. I’m actually pretty good at it. Things that don’t come easy for me I tend to just quit. I think it’s the curse of being a gifted student growing up. I’m extremely smart. I retain information just from hearing or reading it once. I grasp concepts without having to put much effort into it. It’s a blessing. It’s also a curse.

My gifts put me in good standing at school. I didn’t even have to try. I was the envy of my brother who put hours into his school work while I completed mine hour before it was due and I would still get and A. I can’t imagine the type of scholarships I might have received had I actually tried.

It was a blessing. It was also a curse. College was easy the first couple years. Much like high school I could breeze by in many of my classes. Then I started taking classes that I didn’t get. I tried desperately to understand but I couldn’t. I needed to study, but I didn’t know how. I wanted so badly to give up because it because overwhelmingly hard. I was failing. I couldn’t give up because I had too much money and my future seemingly riding on me doing well. It took me some time to figure out how to study and learn. But I did, and I was able to continue on. This is the first time I experienced the struggle of holding on.

In other ways I would give up when things got hard. Taking piano lessons was hard as I never wanted to practice new music because I hated the process of failing. I have many projects that were left unfinished when I decided it took to much time and effort.

In my adult life I feel that inner voice telling me to give up. When my job is overwhelming I so often want to quit. When I don’t feel like facing the world, I will sleep all day. When I’m struggling with my mental health, I will want to end it all.

All these things plague me. One thing I’m wiser about now, is giving up is a double edged sword. If I gave up on any of these things, the rest of my life would crumble with it. Giving up simply can’t be an option. Unlike learning how to study, this will take more than a couple months. This is a lifetime of work.

Life isn’t easy. The choice I must make is life must be worth living. Life is worth living for my husband and family. It’s worth living for my friends. Life is worth living for travel and adventure; for vacation and sandy toes. For the autumn leaves and the delicate snowfall. Life is worth it.

When you let the good outweigh the bad, only then will you have the willpower to conquer your inner demons. You can silence that voice that says, “It’s easier to quit.” Because yeah, it may be easier to quit. But it sure as hell isn’t worth it.

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