If I’m honest… and I mean extremely honest, I have so much internal conflict dealing with Faith in God. Part of me really wants to believe and hope in something. I want to be able to take my questions, my worries, my skepticism, and just throw it all away and just believe that the God of the Bible is real. It makes sense to believe at many times. Who wouldn’t want free eternal life? On the other hand, I really don’t want to believe.
Here comes that honesty. I have many reasons for not wanting to believe including questions of his goodness, actions from other Christians, and evidence that he even exists. The biggest part of my doubt comes from purely selfish reasons. I have lived life as a Christian and I have lived life as an agnostic and the truth is, I prefer life as an agnostic and here is why. As a Christian, I was always failing and falling short. No matter how free a gift of Salvation was supposed to be, it never felt free. It felt like guilt. It felt like trying to live a more perfect and holier life but failing and failing badly. It’s feeling shame and sadness. Why? Because that’s what God says about me. I hear conflicting things like it only takes the faith of a mustard seed and that once you are a Christian you should not want to sin because of your love for him. God killed people for far less than the sins I have committed. I don’t want to live my life striving to meet and unobtainable goal. It’s like when you get performance evaluations at work and you worked SO hard all year but you still get a “fair” score because “good” and “excellent” scores are never obtained. You work SO hard to keep the commandments yet you STILL break the commandments because your human and it’s impossible to keep the commandments. Then I’m told a perfect savior took everything from me so I don’t have to worry about breaking the commandments.. but wait, yes I do because if I don’t try to not break the commandments I don’t love him and I’m not a real Christian. It doesn’t make and sense and I don’t want any part of a religion that makes me feel so dirty.
Whew.. that was a lot more than what I was planning on saying but it’s just eating me alive. What do I want? What do I need? Can I be a Christian and not live in shame? Can I be an agnostic and not live in fear of hell? The answer unfortunately is no to both of those. I can’t, and I’m stuck in the religious limbo of not knowing what to do or what to believe. I already anticipate people reaching out in response to this saying “you don’t have to feel guilty because Jesus covers your sins”, and that poses so many other unanswered questions.
It’s too much. It’s more than I can bear. Shouldn’t this be easy?