Most life insurances nowadays have a Suicide clause in them. This means if you take your own life via suicide, the contract is void and they don’t have to pay out the claim. I understand why this exists as I can see how some may take advantage of the system. I also see how this might motivate some to take their own life if they are in a tough spot financially. On another hand, I see this clause as another way of ignoring the sickly existence of some very real, very hard, mental illnesses.
Sometimes, I feel like my life is just one big suicide clause. This meaning everything that happens to me is just another reason to ignore the grotesque illness my body is fighting every day. It means that if I die because of my illness someday, the “mentally ill contract” will be void and I will be to blame not the illness.
I shouldn’t feel guilty for being sick. I shouldn’t feel guilty for showing symptoms of my sickness. Hell, I shouldn’t feel guilty for occasionally contemplating suicide. However, because of this suicide clause that is society and their ignorance, I am left feeling devastated.
I am left feeling inadequate. It’s as if I am not really sick unless I am in the hospital. It’s the guilt of having to leave work after an anxiety attack and feeling like a failure because I have seen doing so good for so long. I am tired of having to defend myself when I show symptoms because the world doesn’t have the capability to understand the disability I am suffering.
Sometimes, I feel like a failure.. Sometimes…
This so called suicide clause can’t control me. Why? Because I am strong. I’m stronger than most people realize. I have learned to stand up for myself. I have learned what I need for self care and what is pushing me to my limits. I have will not let anyone bully me or tell me what I’m “supposed” to feel. I may be sick but I’m not dumb. I’m one of the smartest and hardest working women you’ll ever have the pleasure of meeting and I will not let any illness or person stand in my way.