The strangest phenomenon is when I am doing great and all of a sudden my brain flips a switch. It’s strange being happy and knowing life is good but feeling this overwhelming sense of doom. It’s like being locked inside on a beautiful day. You know it’s a beautiful day but for whatever reason, you can’t go out and experience it.
I describe it as my brain wanting me dead. It sucks. I don’t want to die but my brain tricks me. It’s as if I’m looking through a dark lens. I can’t see life for what it is. Sometimes it comes gradually and sometimes it happens all at once.
I think throughout my healing journey I have found myself consumed by different things. More recently, I have been terrified by the past. Little things keep coming in and reminding me of awful things. Most people who know me have heard me talk about my rock bottom. If not, you are sure to read about it in a past blog post. My rock bottom was a state of mania. I did such awful disgusting things that I can’t even recognize myself. I keep being reminded and reminded again of all this things I did. I keep being reminded of all the pain and hurt I still carry from those days. It’s not just going to go away.
Therapy lately has been hard because life has been hard. This journey is truly and journey because I’m still climbing mountains. The most important thing is that I don’t lose site of myself and my goals. I have built a life worth living. Now, I must continue to live it.