I haven’t written in a long time. Writing has always been my escape. It gives me an outlet to process hard emotions. Lately, I haven’t had a need or reason to write. Life has been good. I am thankful for the amount of healing that has taken place. I’m living my best life with a great husband. I have my dream job. Life has been good.
With that said, I want to share an experience I had. I went to therapy last week and I completely froze. I was overcome with a heated fear. You may know that I love to talk, so when words were hard to find I knew it was serious. I sat there in silence as my therapist of many years pushed me to talk. I only said the things above. I told her life was good. I said how good I was doing. She then asked me if life was so good, then what was I hiding from her. I thought for a minute before bursting into tears and saying, “I don’t know.”
In this moment, pain surface. A really dark and deep pain that I felt crawling up my spine and infesting the corners of my mind. I was petrified and I couldn’t figure out why. My therapist got me a weighted blanket and helped me come back to reality. Whatever that was, scared me. She ended our time telling me I must be very afraid of whatever I’m hiding. She was right.
I left her office in a haze. I couldn’t figure out what just happened. Life is going well! What is this fear and where is it coming from? I have never been one to suppress my feelings, I’m often an open book. Whatever it was, I knew it was bad. I couldn’t let it destroy my life.
I haven’t told anyone about what happened last week– not even my husband. I pushed it back and called it a fluke. I pretended it wasn’t anything to be concerned about and went on with my life. I almost forgot about it until the other night. I felt the same fear and pain enter my body again. I recognized it as the same fear I felt at my psychologists office. This time, I also recognized the source.
That wasn’t the first time I had felt that fear and hurt. I have, in fact, felt it many times before. I usually would feel it and then push it down and move on. I suddenly realized why I felt so afraid with therapist. I am doing so well but I have been ignoring something for a long time. I have been ignoring something that needs to be addressed. Despite my best efforts to ignore the pain and fear, it will continue to surface until I work through it.
I suppose it’s time I actually mention what it is. That’s the fear trying to win. That is why I am writing again. I can’t let the pain win. The pain that is buried so deep inside is my past trauma, specifically sexual trauma and abuse.
If you know me or have followed my blog, you know my history with this subject. I’m not shy about it. I am however shy about how much the trauma has effected me. I have never been diagnosed with PTSD but I believe what I am experiencing is similar. The hurt and the fear I felt still haunts me. Not only does it haunt me, but it brings me so much fear and anxiety I shut down thinking about it.
So now I begin a new journey. I begin a journey of healing from abuse and trauma. I think I was afraid that letting this come to light would discredit all the progress I’ve made. That is a falsity. In fact, if it weren’t for my progress, I could never properly address this pain. I think of it like building a staircase. You can’t start at the top without having a good base. You build slowly up, one step and a time. This is my next step.
Please reach out with any resources that might help me in my journey. I know I’m not alone in this.