Doubts and Shame

Do I believe?

Most of my adult life I have struggled with faith in a higher power.  My struggle stems from a lot of very bad “Christians” representing a God I cannot see.  I am supposed to be able to see God through their works, but I don’t.  I see good people and I see bad people and prescribing to a certain religious belief  seems not to correlate to what type of person you are.

I very much want to believe.  It is something I am constantly yearning for.  I want to believe in Jesus and I want to believe in the Bible.  I want to be a part of something bigger than myself.  In fact, I constantly am reading books and articles that set out to PROVE Jesus of the bible.  Books like Lee Strobles, The Case for Christ and I Don’t Have Enough Faith to Be an Atheist by Frank Turek and Norman Geisler have done a great job of convincing me the Bible and how it presents itself is an incredibly accurate historical book. 

At this point, I have found the thing that is truly the source of my doubts is Christians.  I can’t understand the things I see and hear and how are they supposed to represent this wonderful God that the bible portrays.  I suppose I do have a faith, though it be small.  At this point I know the God of the Bible is real and good and I believe he did amazing things.  I just have a hard time transferring this belief into a faith that I can be proud of.

I know Christians are told they will be persecuted for believing in Christ. My shame, however, stems not from knowing Christ, but instead from being associated with hateful Christians.  I can claim, “Hey, I’m different,” but so is everyone else.

So to answer my own question I guess, yes I believe. I am far from being free from doubts though.  I doubt why someone who loves Jesus would be so hateful.  I question why people who love Jesus would be so judgmental.   I question if it’s possible for anyone to actually believe they can worship on Sunday and then post hate speech on Facebook on Monday.

I mean I’m not perfect, but shouldn’t we at least try harder? Be better? Maybe my faith is really imperfect and it’s full of doubts, but I mean, at least I’m not hateful.  At least I’m trying to be a good person.

I keep hearing the beauty of Christ is you don’t have to do anything because he did it all, but maybe that’s not as good as it seems because people don’t try.  They don’t do anything to set themselves apart.  They walk around high and mighty claiming “CHRIST SAVES” but then they say, well except you.. and you.. oh and not you.  The sad part is people believe being hateful is being Christian.  That, is the saddest part.

I’m ashamed, not of Christ, but of Christians.

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