Can I tell you a secret? I’m absolutely terrified of being happy. Not because I don’t want to be happy. Never because I don’t enjoy being happy. No, my fear sinks much deeper than that. I’m afraid of being happy, hopeful, joyful, because I know the deep pain that will soon follow.
Think with me now of a roller coaster. The higher the train climbs, the farther and faster it falls. Most people go through the highs and lows of life. It’s natural. The type of highs and lows I experience could only come from an awful disease. A disease that sits itself down in my brain and makes changes. It decides it doesn’t like they way I do things so it changes it. It redecorates.
I spent some time outside this evening pulling weeds. I think the way weeds grow in the ground could be compared to the way my illness sits in my brain. I go outside and plan my lawn just the way I want it. I plant flowers, do landscaping.. just to make my yard and garden enjoyable and beautiful. Then, weeds start to pop up. At first- I begin to pull them up right at the root. For most, this gets rid of the problem. As weeds appear most people can handle them just by pulling them up as the come along.
For some people, pulling the weeds alone isn’t enough. Some will try weed killers, herbicides, along with the occasional pulling to keep their backyard nice. It works for some people.
For other people, people like me, no matter how much work and time we put in, the weeds keep coming. For people like me we work all day, every day to keep the weeds at bay, but every single day they come back stronger and with deeper roots. We try the strongest weed killers available, we mow, we cut, we yank, pull.. nothing works. When we finally see the light. We see our lawn again. Our garden is no longer a forest. We don’t rest, because we know one small weed will turn into a forest in seconds. We can’t enjoy our happiness because we are getting ourselves ready for the next fight.
My brain is filled with weeds and I’m so tired of putting in the work. I’m so tired of the fight. I just want the weeds to overcome me and take me away. But, I continue to fight. When my mind is finally clear of the weeds of today, I prepare myself for the weeds of tomorrow. When I let myself enjoy the garden, the weeds come in like always, and I’m even more devastated because I know and have experienced what a weed free day is like. I’m hit with the harsh reality I may never experience the joys of easy “gardening”. I know I will never stop fighting the weeds.
I’m so tired of fighting, I’m so tired of knowing I won’t get better. But, this woman, won’t give up. I won’t let the weeds control my garden, at least not yet.