Where is Happiness?

It seems I have lost it again

I’ve lost it so many times before

Maybe I’m just not meant to have it

It is easily given but easily forgotten

I found it as an Easter egg hidden under a bush

I saw it light up the sky after a ball game

It has licked my face and wagged its tail

I have felt it’s soft kiss and warm embrace

How could I lose it?

Where can I find it?

Instead, I always know where to find pain

It’s hidden in corners, cupboards, and boxes.

It puts on a mask and pretends to be your friend

I’ve heard it yell insults and threats and curses

I’ve held it’s hand on a date to the movies

I was raped by it in a cheap motel room

I drank it down to forget

Oh I know where to find darkness

Darkness is easy to find.

It sits in my brain waiting for its day

It makes my heart bleed out on to my arms

It speaks to me telling me I shouldn’t be

I have found darkness.

But, where is happiness?

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Suck it Up, Buttercup.

It’s not there, if you can’t see it.

It’s not real, if not everyone can feel it.

You’re making excuses.

No one is going to believe it.

You really should grow up.

Why don’t you just give up.

Stop being so damn lazy.

We are going to have to write you up.

Maybe you should try praying more.

You shouldn’t take all those pills anymore.

You scared your peers with your outburst.

You should just try to be happy more.

You seem fine to me.

You look fine to me.

Suck it up, buttercup.

Your life doesn’t look hard to me.

You’re milking this for all it’s worth.

Maybe if you lose some weight it will help your self worth.

You’re just doing this for attention.

You’ll probably grow out of it, for what it’s worth.

It’s all in your head.

Yeah, you’ve got that right. It IS all in my head.

He Changed Me

I always went to church, in God I believed

I always thought I was a “good girl”

How can just a couple moments change a life?

I thought I loved this man, but on that day

He stole my heart, my mind, my brain.

He destroyed my body

On the other side I stood… cold.. alone.

My heart once on my sleeve, now scraps in a dogs teeth.

I silently screamed as I wore a feeble smile.

Lost in that moment, I would never be the same

But, just a couple moments can change a life.

I met a man the other day.

He spoke softly to me when he told me “You’re beautiful.”

Those words felt weightless, valueless.

He took my hand, and got down on one knee.

He said, “Darling, will you marry me?”

How could I trust another man?

But change takes courage, courage to hope in a better tomorrow.

I said, “Yes. Happily!”

One thing is sure, I’ll never look back.

One man destroyed me

One set me free.

Learning to love myself, I will be.

Just a couple moments, can change a life.

Where is The Hope?

Why does it feel like there is nobody there when you need them the most. People always say they are there to listen, but bail out the second hard stuff is mentioned. Sometimes I just want someone that is unbiased to hear me out when I’m in pain, but therapy isn’t just one phone call away. Unfortunately, a reality of life if we are always alone. At the end of the day it just me. I will be the only one buried in my grave.

Prayers these days feel more like whispers of rage and hope seems like a fleeting wish. I wrestle too much with my mind that I can’t seem to grasp even an idea that maybe there is a better tomorrow or maybe that there is more to this horrible life. I’m like Daniel in the Lions den but I’m being devoured. Or the three courageous men in the furnace except I’m being consumed by the fire. Oxygen refuses to remain in my lungs as the throat that is life slowly shuts and I’m struggling to find my next breath.

I often feel like death is the better option as opposed to struggling to stay alive. My world is getting increasingly smaller with every faithful step forward. Like I am swimming against the current, I’m so close to being whisked off to sea.

Where is the hope?

If you loved me, you would…

“If you loved me you would.” is a phrase often muttered when trying to force someone into an intimate encounter.  

An intimate encounter can’t occur if someone feels pressured into doing something.

Doing something doesn’t mean you have to yell rape and fight your way out.

Your way out may only seem to be in the moment giving into the pleas.

The please believe I was raped by my boyfriend is not so easy to fight.

To fight with no evidence means it’s not worth your time.

Your time has come to face him again because to the world, a lack of a no is a resounding yes.

Yes, I liked him, but that sure doesn’t mean, I wanted to be taken as a whore by this man I just met.

I just met some people, who told me today that my rape isn’t valid and I gave it away.

I gave it away to the man that I love because sex is more than just two bodies.

Two bodies becoming one means heart mind and spirt; not choking me and spitting in my hair.

My hair reminds me everyday, to cover up  for I am natures prey.

Prey on the weak is natures natural call, but don’t prey on me again for I am stronger than you all.

You all may beat me in running or lifting weights however my mind has beaten death.

Death is a fact we all face, but it is not my time yet, and neither is it yours for “If you loved me you would..” fight to stay alive one day more.

No Saint

To hide behind the madness means to forget what you’re working for. Is it an escape to run away just for a day? You can’t see how far you’ve come unless you have bad days.  Don’t let those take from you all that you are made.

If I got in the car and I drive far away, would you remember me for all the mistakes I have made? Would you call me a sinner; have I sealed my fate? Would you chase me or just look away?

I look back on who I was a year ago this day. It’s hard to believe I didn’t die on the way.  In some ways I did, I lost my innocence.  I hate to remember when happiness came from both a bottle and men. 

If I got in the car and I drive far away, would you remember me for all the mistakes I have made. Would you call me a sinner; have I sealed my fate? Would you chase me or just look away?

It seems things have changed. I’ve grown in so many ways. I’m working hard and doing something I love. Now I know what darkness looks like. I’ve cried many tears. I’m so much stronger now, though I know my struggle will be for years.

It’s hard to imagine a life free from pain. A life that I don’t want to take away. In heaven I’ll see, a life that is free. Until then, on my knees I will be.

If I got in the car and I drive far away, I know you’d remember the bright smile on my face. Though I’m no saint I believe it’s true, that we are not what we’ve done or what we’ve been through. You’d chase me until we were face to face then you’d kiss my pain away.

The Man Of The Night

Too often have I met you
In this dark ally I find
The ghosts of the little girl I left behind
You greet me with a flash of pearly whites
You take this trembling hand of mine

They say light will guide you home
The only thing guiding me is the man of the night
The light looks great, but I know it’s my fate
To follow the man of the night

As we move about, I see others watching me
Piercing my soul with their gaze
The same ones who would have a hard time with me if I said I was gay 
This time they love me and don’t want me to leave
I feel a tug on my arm, it’s time to move away from their please.

They say light will guide you home
The only thing guiding me is the man of the night
The light looks great, but I know it’s my fate
To follow the man of the night

I see our destination is almost in sight
I see a footstool next to the rope on a tree
He pushes me forward
A reminder that this is the only way
I can finally be free from the demons that are haunting me

They say light will guide you home
The only thing guiding me is the man of the night
The light looks great, but I know it’s my fate
To follow the man of the night

I step on the stool
I look straight in his eyes
The rope around my neck had been tied
I take one last breath before I say my goodbyes
When I look down, I see something I recognize

Those demons of hell, they were waiting for me.
The same ones that tormented my being
I looked up in fear as I realized the man was never my friend.

They say light will guide you home
The only thing guiding me is the man of the night
The light looks great, but I know it’s my fate
To follow the man of the night
But it was never my fate, it was never my call
I won’t follow that man. I will conquer them all.