Can You Hear Me Now?

It has been a while since I have posted publicly to my blog. At times I feel it is best my thoughts remain private, but right now, I only feel I need my voice to be heard.

I don’t know how many tines I have written about the invisible terrors mental illness causes. I have probably spoken on this topic far more than I could count. One thing I often don’t talk about though sexual assault. Now for those who may be triggered or have a hard time reading about these types of things, I do encourage you stop now. I would never want anyone else to relive trauma.

Now, every form of abuse I have suffered still causes me problems in my life. This very specific form of abuse however hurts me in ways I can’t even comprehend.

I want to tell a brief story. There was a young man who came to my work place looking for a home. Now, to everyone else, he probably seemed normal. If anything, maybe he seemed to be a tad bit conceited. To me, he was different. This man’s personality, his actions, & his mannerisms flipped a switch in my head. In my mind, I have seen him before. Even though I probably had never actually met him, my mind knew him. My mind recognized his mannerisms and set off a warning alarm. My body’s fight or flight defenses turned on because all of a sudden, It wasn’t a stranger. This man wanted to hurt me, degrade me, rape me.

I don’t know him and he probably is an okay guy, but from past experiences, my mind and body thought this man was threatening. It pulled to mind gruesome memories and details that I never wanted to think. Now, do you want to know the worst part? It was noon and I still had to work six more hours before I could go home and cry.

One of the worst feelings a sexual assault victim can feel is degraded and unheard. My mind screams internally and my body feels numb. Those same describing words could be used to describe several of the sexual assaults I have survived. I’m fighting this deadly feeling and I can’t say a word.

Why don’t I say something? Well, times like these happen more often than I care to admit and if I said something every time, I would surely turn into the boy who cried wolf. That is why I stay silent. I keep quiet until I get to a time that my body produces a physical reaction: sobbing, yelling, convulsions, hair pulling, etc. I wait until this happens because I know people will see something is actually wrong. They will be able to hear me. They will be able to understand. It’s like my mind is screaming “CAN YOU HEAR ME NOW!?”

I hate living life like this. I’m in constant fear. I wonder if anyone can relate. My therapist suggested I get a doctors note so if I feel unheard, people will believe me. My everyday life consists of trying to stay calm and trying to remain normal. I practice many coping skills throughout the day just to function.

Sometimes it’s even worse after I go to therapy because it brings things up that I would rather ignore. I have been hurt too much and I’m mad that it’s able to control me. I’m mad it can hold me hostage. I’m mad it can take me away from my work. I’m mad that it effects my intimacy with my husband. My mind is mad and now it’s screaming at all the men who hurt me “CAN YOU HEAR ME NOW?”

That is why I wanted to make this public. I want people that know me, to hear me. I want them hear the silent screams for help. I want others who read it to relate or to hear others. Think of the four closest women to you. Now pick one. Statistically one in every four women are sexually assaulted in their lives. Let our voices be heard. Because sexual assault isn’t just a “me too” Facebook post and then let’s all forget. Sexual assault is a monster that devours its victims daily.

So this goes out to those who feel like they can’t be heard. And I ask those around me, can you hear me now?

Advertisements

If you loved me, you would…

“If you loved me you would.” is a phrase often muttered when trying to force someone into an intimate encounter.  

An intimate encounter can’t occur if someone feels pressured into doing something.

Doing something doesn’t mean you have to yell rape and fight your way out.

Your way out may only seem to be in the moment giving into the pleas.

The please believe I was raped by my boyfriend is not so easy to fight.

To fight with no evidence means it’s not worth your time.

Your time has come to face him again because to the world, a lack of a no is a resounding yes.

Yes, I liked him, but that sure doesn’t mean, I wanted to be taken as a whore by this man I just met.

I just met some people, who told me today that my rape isn’t valid and I gave it away.

I gave it away to the man that I love because sex is more than just two bodies.

Two bodies becoming one means heart mind and spirt; not choking me and spitting in my hair.

My hair reminds me everyday, to cover up  for I am natures prey.

Prey on the weak is natures natural call, but don’t prey on me again for I am stronger than you all.

You all may beat me in running or lifting weights however my mind has beaten death.

Death is a fact we all face, but it is not my time yet, and neither is it yours for “If you loved me you would..” fight to stay alive one day more.

This is For the Broken

Figuring out why life has got to be this way

It turns me to my bed, the only place I lay

Things once were simpler. I could laugh in a blissful paradise.

Now I sit here and ponder every decision I make so I don’t have to think twice.

I lay awake wishing lord here is my soul to take

If I live on here is my plee, take these haunting memories for goodness sake

I’m tired of seeing my rapist walk the same roads as I

With a smile on his face and a glen in his eye

This world is messed up, you all know it’s true

Why can’t a singer be away from the man that hurt her too

The worst thing you can call a woman is a bitch or a cunt

But the worst thing you can call a man is a girl. Now how is that not messed up?

Why is it when someone stands up for justice

People think every one is against them

If you’re so defensive about being a majority

Next time try being the minority 

I’m not blaming anyone but the system

I just don’t want people to tell me I need to sleep with him because I kissed him.

I’m sick of being told medication for my illness is wrong

Then listening to music rapping about abusing those same drugs in every song

I’ll be fine, I alway will be

& I will change the world someday, just you wait and see