Here lies me

Here lies me

Cause of death: suicide

That can’t be right can it?

At 10 I loved my life

Joyful and carefree

I understood more at 17

A narcissist taught me fear

I was my happiest at 20

College was a world of opportunity

21 changed me

The darkness crept in

Like a smoke it filled every crevice

At 23 the darkness tempted me

I followed it into a trench

When I was 25 I married

I was happy, but never joyful again

Every moment lived is another burned

Pretending until I can’t

Making mistakes

Hurting those I love with my hurt

The darkness controls me

The happiest days of my life have passed

Here lies me

Cause of death: the darkness

Burn Unit


Burning
Sizzling Flesh
Rather be dead
Pain prison
Disfigurement

Depression
Sizzling flesh
Wants to die
Pain Prison
Burning

Suicide
Lost cause
Easy way out
Tormented soul
Freedom

Where is Happiness?

It seems I have lost it again

I’ve lost it so many times before

Maybe I’m just not meant to have it

It is easily given but easily forgotten

I found it as an Easter egg hidden under a bush

I saw it light up the sky after a ball game

It has licked my face and wagged its tail

I have felt it’s soft kiss and warm embrace

How could I lose it?

Where can I find it?

Instead, I always know where to find pain

It’s hidden in corners, cupboards, and boxes.

It puts on a mask and pretends to be your friend

I’ve heard it yell insults and threats and curses

I’ve held it’s hand on a date to the movies

I was raped by it in a cheap motel room

I drank it down to forget

Oh I know where to find darkness

Darkness is easy to find.

It sits in my brain waiting for its day

It makes my heart bleed out on to my arms

It speaks to me telling me I shouldn’t be

I have found darkness.

But, where is happiness?

If you loved me, you would…

“If you loved me you would.” is a phrase often muttered when trying to force someone into an intimate encounter.  

An intimate encounter can’t occur if someone feels pressured into doing something.

Doing something doesn’t mean you have to yell rape and fight your way out.

Your way out may only seem to be in the moment giving into the pleas.

The please believe I was raped by my boyfriend is not so easy to fight.

To fight with no evidence means it’s not worth your time.

Your time has come to face him again because to the world, a lack of a no is a resounding yes.

Yes, I liked him, but that sure doesn’t mean, I wanted to be taken as a whore by this man I just met.

I just met some people, who told me today that my rape isn’t valid and I gave it away.

I gave it away to the man that I love because sex is more than just two bodies.

Two bodies becoming one means heart mind and spirt; not choking me and spitting in my hair.

My hair reminds me everyday, to cover up  for I am natures prey.

Prey on the weak is natures natural call, but don’t prey on me again for I am stronger than you all.

You all may beat me in running or lifting weights however my mind has beaten death.

Death is a fact we all face, but it is not my time yet, and neither is it yours for “If you loved me you would..” fight to stay alive one day more.

The Man Of The Night

Too often have I met you
In this dark ally I find
The ghosts of the little girl I left behind
You greet me with a flash of pearly whites
You take this trembling hand of mine

They say light will guide you home
The only thing guiding me is the man of the night
The light looks great, but I know it’s my fate
To follow the man of the night

As we move about, I see others watching me
Piercing my soul with their gaze
The same ones who would have a hard time with me if I said I was gay 
This time they love me and don’t want me to leave
I feel a tug on my arm, it’s time to move away from their please.

They say light will guide you home
The only thing guiding me is the man of the night
The light looks great, but I know it’s my fate
To follow the man of the night

I see our destination is almost in sight
I see a footstool next to the rope on a tree
He pushes me forward
A reminder that this is the only way
I can finally be free from the demons that are haunting me

They say light will guide you home
The only thing guiding me is the man of the night
The light looks great, but I know it’s my fate
To follow the man of the night

I step on the stool
I look straight in his eyes
The rope around my neck had been tied
I take one last breath before I say my goodbyes
When I look down, I see something I recognize

Those demons of hell, they were waiting for me.
The same ones that tormented my being
I looked up in fear as I realized the man was never my friend.

They say light will guide you home
The only thing guiding me is the man of the night
The light looks great, but I know it’s my fate
To follow the man of the night
But it was never my fate, it was never my call
I won’t follow that man. I will conquer them all.

Dying Drugs

Are these prayers just verses filled with empty words? Can you hear me play these meaningless chords? How can I love someone with eyes glazed over.  It’s been a long time since I’ve seen him sober.  A torchered soul bound and numb.  Lord, give him grace, even just a crumb.  Heroin stole his heart and mind.  Please bring him back, he will be just fine.

Are these prayers just verses filled with empty words? Can you hear me play these meaningless chords?  I was just 15 when I saw him go.  It was a boy I loved, one I no longer know.  Why are you letting this happen again?  It can’t be just a matter of when.  He’s not what he does.  I’ll promise you this. Drugs don’t make his life bliss.

Are these prayers just verses filled with empty words? Can you hear me play these meaningless chords?  With one more cry and one more plea; I’ll ask you Lord, to insead take me.  He has so much life to live.  All I have is life to give.  I know that prayer doesn’t work this way.  But Lord, let him live, just one more day.  This is my heart this is my cry.  Please Lord, don’t let him die.

Are these prayers just verses filled with empty words? Can you hear me play these meaningless chords?